Learning what hooks my psyche is a journey up a spiral stairway. Glaring and obvious troubles are identified and addressed in due course. Okay, done. Then it’s back – the worry, the frustration, the resentment; hooked again.
Didn’t I learn that lesson? Well, sort of. This go-around is simply a variation on that theme; a tad more profound and nuanced maybe. It can feel like I’m doomed, but I’m not.
Each step up the staircase refines my spirit; making it lighter and more genuine.
Two coping mechanisms I acquired early on were “I don’t want to disappoint you” and “I’ll show you.” A Yin/Yang duo for the ages.
Success stories in my portfolio show those assholes who said I couldn’t do something; that, YES I can – and I DID. Most of the time they didn’t even know I was trying to prove anything. But I did. That’s what mattered.
That combative device isn’t as necessary anymore. When it does show up, I see it for what it is. This gives me the opportunity to choose. Is this more self-validation? Or is it bigger than me? There is a difference.
As for the people pleasing business, that one’s a bit more insidious – or I’m being thickheaded. Recently, I didn’t want to “let down” some anonymous player in a hidden object game I started playing during the pandemic. “LENE” and I kicked ass on the Detective Challenges. Now I want to move on. How can I mourn the loss of someone I never met? Why do I feel like I’m letting her down?
Curiously I have no answers yet, I’m just sitting with the discomfort. The insight I seek may be a few steps away. Or maybe delighting my higher self is my true objective.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J. R. R. Tolkien
