Category: Psychology – Behavior and Mind

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Refresh, Rest, Refocus – And Love You

Taking time to refresh, rest and refocus energizes me. It allows me to unwind – to hold space for myself. Not an easy enterprise to carry out in a world that rewards go-go-go. Stepping off the treadmill can be unsettling. However, when I connect with the inner me, I open the door to kindness. I feel valued, safe and loved.

Being “gentle with myself” takes intention and persistence. Intention – given that it requires effort. Persistence because life is a journey not a destination.

In her article “Be Kind to Yourself,” Marianna Pogosyan, Ph.D., explores the concept of self-compassion. She introduces Kristin Neff, a “leading self-compassion researcher.” Dr. Neff “identified three main components of self-compassion: self-kindness, feelings of common humanity, and mindfulness.”

Dr. Kneff and her colleague, Chris Germer, co-founded “the Mindful Self-Compassion training program.” Germer suggests that by reflecting on particular questions, we can move beyond the “fight, flight, freeze” response. We can learn to truly be kind to ourselves. A lesson worth pursuing.

Sabbatical – Walkabout – Itchy Feet

Too often stress and the chaos of life snuffs out self-kindness. Taking time to rest and refocus is widely put off. However, there’s a time-honored tradition in academia that may should move mainstream. The Sabbatical.

A sabbatical is not a vacation. It’s not simply time off. It’s reaching for something distinctive.

The subject is covered by the Harvard Business Review; Research: The Transformative Power of Sabbaticals, by Kira Schabram, Matt Bloom, and DJ DiDonna. This article outlines “three different sabbatical types, each with a unique combination of experiences.” All provide “increasingly radical transformations in people’s work and life.”

  • Working Holidays – working on a passion project
  • Free Dives – wanderlust; abrupt adventure and a soul reset
  • Quests – a last resort because continuing on their current path was untenable

For me, it’s time for a working holiday. Reaching for something distinctive – and personal.

So, as Mick “Crocodile Dundee” would say, I’m off on walkabout.

Will this outing be a Michael Cawley? Don’t know. Will simply have to live my way into that future. Bye for now.

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married

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Boundaries and Beliefs – Be Better

This year brought unexpected, but welcome personal insights. Around boundaries, or lack thereof. Around beliefs I’d bought hook, line and sinker – that were a total fabrication.

With each epiphany and moment of deep enlightenment, I imagine I’ve reached a pinnacle. Then life gifts me with reminders that I’m not done yet. This is a journey after all.

Learning that boundaries are important makes logical sense, and my schooling started nine years ago. Gaining a deeper appreciation for their value took a minute. In February, the seeds planted in 2014 sprouted. Now it’s time to nurture and cultivate their growth. And adjust to the changes new behaviors brought.

Recent willingness to walk through difficult topics and triggering subjects, highlighted a belief I held about myself that was just plain wrong. A random personality test taken early in my corporate career labeled me low on the empathy scale. Yes, I’d just read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Absolutely, I’m a Type-A overachiever and know the 80/20 rule very well. And sad to say, this classification sanctions conduct rewarded in a patriarchal office environment. But no. It wasn’t true.

Reading the book Emotional Labor, by Rose Hackman struck several nerves. The invisible, under-appreciated work done by women and the marginalized in society, the workplace, and at home is a lifelong frustration of mine. I stood up to “the man” where I could, boosting myself and others. But the entrenched misogyny and my own lack of boundaries kept my internal chaos up and results modest.

Rose Hackman points out that we have much to do to raise awareness of what’s entrenched in our society and our psyches. Her chapter on empathy lit me up. The lightbulb clicked. I’m decidedly empathetic; in every definition of the word. And I see how embracing that old fiction shaped my outlook and interactions. How it sustained my anxiety.

Learning to hold boundaries while embracing compassion for others is possible and improves my life.

As I integrate these lessons and throw out that false narrative – the Universe generously reminds me to be gentle with myself. That youngster didn’t know any better and deserves her share of my empathy.

“Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers, teachers.”

― Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
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Will the Real “Me” Please Stand Up – Truth or Consequences

“The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.” ― Desiderius Erasmus

So true! But not easy. Can I know when I’m being who I really am? Maybe I’m performing a role that society and culture handed me when I was born. Perhaps trauma activated habitual behaviors and beliefs that I now call truth and reality.

I relish following the Greek aphorism “know-thyself.” Being a searcher and a learner. This inclination is likely a part of who I am. But so are the bits thrust upon me at birth. As are the coping mechanisms in my toolbox; both good and bad. This is my lifetime to untangle the bits, take what I value and discard the rest.

My therapist reminds me not to “throw out the baby with the bathwater” HA!

This determination is highly subjective. So, I keep untangling the bits, evaluating my toolbox. What IS of value to me? What stays and what goes? Can I do this? Do I want to?

Being on the precipice of change is scary. And far too easy to fall back into the comfort I know. Even when it’s no comfort at all.

I want to be ready. I want to know who I am. Reaching “the summit of happiness” sounds awesome.

Today – I’m ready to be ready to be ready. For now, that’s enough.

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On the Verge – Hurry Up and Wait

My Higher Self likes to remind me … “patience young grasshopper.”

Too many times I prayed for patience. One day it dawned on me that this prayer might create situations where practicing acceptance is mandatory. So, I quit that prayer.

Along the way I learned that patience is a strength. A strength found in everyday living. The commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, “This is Water” reminds me that my day-in/ day-out life routine is where I get to choose. This is where I “decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.”

Then there’s days I know something’s about to go down; I’m on the verge . . . it’s a potent sensation. But what that some something is – haven’t a clue. That’s disconcerting.

When I allow myself to be still and sit in the discomfort of not knowing, that sense might shift to an awareness that it’s done. It’s here; complete. Inexplicably, that enigmatic imprint is amplified.

But everything is different.

Now I sit back and watch the unfolding.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”
― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

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Big Change – The Hard Way or No

The prospect of big change, of any kind is daunting. It’s easier to simply carry-on in the grooves I live day-in-day-out. But life is about growth. Without expansion l stagnate – and maybe grow a little bored.

So, I set my sights on my dreams and aspirations – and take baby steps in that direction.

Making small changes; that one-degree turn, is manageable. Take a step – see how it feels. Allow the discomfort to ease. Practice. Practice again, until its second nature. Then take the next step.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear reminds me that while small, these shifts are powerful. Building on the psychological tenets of habit, including the works of Charles Duhigg (The Power of Habit), he offers some simple and practical suggestions, like “master the entry point” . . .

Make that first step SUPER small (atomic); and say: “I will xxxxx”

Then add when . . . “I will xxxxx, at (time)

Finally, say where . . . “I will xxxxx, at (time) in (location)

There are habits I want to reinforce related to meditation, exercise and writing. So, I made an atomic habit tree to nudge me down that road.

Funny how just opening a document on the computer propels me forward. Knowing when and where these modest actions take place work my brain in the direction my heart wants to go.

Cultivating healthy habits; mental, physical and emotional is a lifelong endeavor. This concept is found in many disciplines; from science, business and psychology to Buddhism.

What I do and how I think is crucial to my happiness and well-being. Taking small steps every day will make all the difference.

“A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit.” ― Erasmus

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