“The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.” ― Desiderius Erasmus
So true! But not easy. Can I know when I’m being who I really am? Maybe I’m performing a role that society and culture handed me when I was born. Perhaps trauma activated habitual behaviors and beliefs that I now call truth and reality.
I relish following the Greek aphorism “know-thyself.” Being a searcher and a learner. This inclination is likely a part of who I am. But so are the bits thrust upon me at birth. As are the coping mechanisms in my toolbox; both good and bad. This is my lifetime to untangle the bits, take what I value and discard the rest.
This determination is highly subjective. So, I keep untangling the bits, evaluating my toolbox. What IS of value to me? What stays and what goes? Can I do this? Do I want to?
Being on the precipice of change is scary. And far too easy to fall back into the comfort I know. Even when it’s no comfort at all.
I want to be ready. I want to know who I am. Reaching “the summit of happiness” sounds awesome.
Today – I’m ready to be ready to be ready. For now, that’s enough.
Decades ago, mom gave me a T-shirt with the saying “So many books, so little time.” I still wear it, shabby and stained as it is. The sentiment reminds me of the abundance around me and to choose wisely – and of my mom. Our time allotment isn’t all that long. Spending it pursuing joy is important.
The Cycle of Life
Nature has its seasons, and life is cyclical. Last December during the winter solstice, I set an Intention for the coming year, including monthly check-ins at each new moon.
This week the second new moon of the year arrived – the Worm Moon. As I settled in for my promised monthly review, I was struck by how task oriented I am. Does this help me achieve my goal? Maybe.
My 2023 intention is to have “A Sense of Purpose.” This particular quest began knowing it’s an intangible and abstract proposition. Choosing where to put my time and energy is key. The three paths that called me were community, writing and self-care. They looked the most promising to deliver encounters with insight into the part I play in this life.
Being a singular person, self-care is vital. Prioritizing my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health gives me the stamina and inspiration to meet this mystery. My writing shows me what I know, what I don’t know – and the great chasm in between; not to mention as a door to be both brave and vulnerable. As part of a whole my community reflects where and who I am; offering direction and a foundation to grow.
I chose projects, experiences and encounters to pursue for each path. They are all delightful and motivating, and I eagerly jumped in.
Backroads; Wyoming
In month one I acknowledged, HA! my eyes are bigger than my stomach and the banquet needed to be refined. My appetite is big, but I moved a few bits to a back burner. Still, I did look at potential time sucks; were they obstacles or assists? I’m talking to you TikTok! This question is still under review.
Month two included low energy and lack of motivation. Instead of shaking my finger at myself, I stepped off the treadmill and rested. So, not every box will be checked on my March “want to do” list, but a big win for Emotional Health (woot woot).
This is an interesting journey I set myself on, and I’m eager for more.
“Each man’s life represents a road toward himself, an attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path… But each of us – experiments of the depths – strives toward his own destiny. We can understand one another; but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone.”
Self-Care is vital, yet often one of the first things out the window. Too much to do. Or so I tell myself. Buying the tall tale fed to me since birth. This, that and the other is my responsibility. Rebel and suffer the consequences. Real and imagined.
Check that box, get the degree, marry that guy. Make the money – keep up with the Kardashians. All worthy goals – if it’s what you REALLY want. What if I don’t?
Stepping off the treadmill and doing for me, opens the door to self-reflection. Knowing who I am and what I want is the most caring thing I can do for myself. This requires I recognize and accept my good and bad.
Depending on my story, this is a relaxed ramble, or a dreadful descent. Being dragged through a hedge backwards accurately describes a few of my outings. Didn’t level me, but it hurt. I got scars.
Witnessing my shadow self is uncomfortable. It requires I confront the bits that don’t want to be a Kardashian. That reveal I’m different; not weird, not wrong or deficient. Just not what’s expected by society.
Defense mechanisms like denial, projection and repression let me keep the support and admiration of my community. But the cost can be acute. Feelings of guilt and shame for alleged derelictions of duty are persuasive. Yet, when I disregard my wants and desires, anger and resentment will show up somewhere.
“Today near eventime I did lead The girl who has no seeing A little way into the forest Where it was darkness and shadows were. I led her toward a shadow That was coming our way. It did touch her cheeks With its velvety fingers. And now she too Does have likings for shadows And her fear that was is gone.”
Self-care feels good. It’s not selfish, but an abundant doorway to discovery. When I face my shadows, own my projections and accept my truth, I’m content – and one step closer to empowerment.
“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
A recent meditation presented me with the visual of Dorothy’s ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz.” As a kid this movie sent me running down the hall when the Wicked Witch set her monkeys after Scarecrow. What message could there be for me now?
Most obviously are the shoes. They were the power to get her home; but she had to discover that power – and own it.
“You always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” – Glinda the good witch; The Wizard of Oz
It’s Glinda the Good from “The Wiz” that resonates even more now:
“Home is a place we all must find, child. It’s not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home, anywhere.”
There are as many ways to make the world better – as there are people.
The determination of those who step up to the front lines is remarkable. They lead important movements, care for the hurt and brokenhearted. The trailblazers guide, influence and motivate – often into uncharted territory.
The frontier I seek, and my preferred way to change the world, is through personal transformation, less ego and doing better. Directing my energy to heal wounds and increase self-knowledge develops me and my relations with my inner circle. As I grow so does my influence – like a rock sending ripples on a calm pond.
A day came when my need to do something MORE exploded. My fight instinct was triggered. So, I did things; large and small. My foray into a world of resistance, politics and social conflict was challenging. Hot buttons were pushed and deeply buried wounds exposed – casting me into a dark place. Forget about rocking the boat, I went into the sea. The experience certainly brought more insights, but it was unsettling and stressful.
My walk through that Dark Night of the Soul reaffirmed and deepened how I want to show up in the world.
By reframing my outlook on obstacles, I found ways to change the world personally and as an ally. Focusing my energy on what I want, not some looming doom – I found the stamina and creativity to contribute.
Symbolically I renamed a folder for email keepers – from “RESISTANCE” to “FREEDOM.” That’s where my ActBlue receipts go. How I participate with the freedom community has evolved and matured. Moments of temper still pay a visit, but they don’t derail me for long.
My internal candle supports the cause, as does my low-key external contribution. Knowing how to personally meet communal moments of unrest is important. Every approach when activated creates a bigger more diverse impact – and is more likely to succeed.
I want to be a part of a world that works together, rocks the boat, when we notice people and communities being wrecked. We’re all different, as are our talents and strengths to make waves. No need to tip the boat over.
“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”
