Tag: #amwriting

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Live and Thrive in An Ambiguous World

Living and thriving with ambiguity is a balancing act. Having a plan is good. Rigid insistence it play out perfectly is not.

Leon Seltzer, Ph.D. says that “certainties in life are scarce, almost non-existent.” In the Psychology Today article, How Well Do You Deal With Ambiguity? he encourages action.

“Deciding to pursue what’s presently indeterminable takes guts.” When we don’t act, we may lose “opportunities to accomplish what’s vital to us.” Indecision or worry over obstacles can short circuit dreams. Not choosing is choosing.

Still, anxiety about a situation might push me to move too quickly. Goodbye frying pan, hello fire. When I give myself space to consider what I really want; or don’t want, I can choose what’s best for me.

Some people have a higher tolerance for uncertainty than others.

The “Need for Closure Scale” developed by Arie W. Kruglanski (University of Maryland), is a useful tool. It highlights where I fall on the need-to-know meter; what makes me relaxed or dissatisfied. It points out why and how I may take risks.

Need for Closure Scale. Can you Tolerate Uncertainty – 47 Questions & Scoring to determine (HTML)

My results didn’t surprise me. I’m undeniably above average in the gotta know department. Yet reasonably tolerant to mystery and shadows. Definitely a situational thang.

While reliability over chaos is preferable, too much predictability is boring. Having structure in my life helps me accomplish my goals. But time off is necessary or interest fades and I get restless.

Developing tolerance for ambiguity frees me to live life on life’s terms. To trust the process.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

— Gilda Radner
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I Love Words – They Are Delicious

As someone who loves words and their subtle nuances and layers, Brené Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart” is especially delicious. She examines emotions and experiences, and the words we use to define them. How we make meaning. She says:

“.. the ability to name this emotion or experience is essential to being able to process it in a productive and healing manner.”

The 87 words she highlights and categorizes are organized based on her research. Groupings are determined by how words “.. relate and compare to one another.” That reflect “our lived experiences.”

Hope

Chapter Six struck a chord. Hope is an upbeat word for me. How could it be tucked in with the chapter on “Places We Go When We’re Hurting – Anguish, Hopelessness, Despair, Sadness, Grief?” Ms. Brown says “Hope is a function of struggle – we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort.” Hope is not an emotion.

“We experience hope when:

  1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I Know where I want to go).
  2. We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try new paths again and again).
  3. We have agency – we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”

“We need hope like we need air.”

A myriad of distractions the past 7 years did a number on some of my cherished goals. Unsettling political times, a global pandemic and a couple relocations took their toll. Left me questioning where I want to go and how to get there. Can I even do it?

Brené says that “hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible.” She also says it’s a learned habit.

So … Tested? Check. Possible? Likely. Good to know.

Hopelessness and Despair

While both are emotions, they aren’t the same thing. They’re equally hard, but the distinctions are notable.

“Hopelessness stems from not being able to set realistic goals (we don’t know what we want), and even if we can identify realistic goals, we can’t figure out how to achieve them. If we attempt to achieve the goals, we give up when we fail, we can’t tolerate disappointment, and we can’t reset. Last, we don’t believe in ourselves or our ability to achieve what we want.”

“Despair is a sense of hopelessness about a person’s entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair.”

Brené goes on to say:

“I once heard theologian Rob Bell define despair as “the belief that tomorrow will be just like today.” When we are in struggle and/or experiencing pain, despair—that belief that there is no end to what we’re experiencing—is a desperate and claustrophobic feeling. We can’t figure a way out of or through the struggle and the suffering.”

The permanence built into believing tomorrow won’t be better is tragic. This is where the habit of resilience comes in handy.

Re-evaluating my goals and sitting in ambiguity is different than hopelessness. My long-time habit of seeing the glass as half full is a strength, a touchstone. No doubt this period of time was a trial. My gratitude for cultivating a hopeful perspective is immeasurable. Knowing the distinctions in my situation carried me to a better place.

“I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.” ― Frida Kahlo

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So Little Time – Spend It Wisely

Decades ago, mom gave me a T-shirt with the saying “So many books, so little time.” I still wear it, shabby and stained as it is. The sentiment reminds me of the abundance around me and to choose wisely – and of my mom. Our time allotment isn’t all that long. Spending it pursuing joy is important.

The Cycle of Life

Nature has its seasons, and life is cyclical. Last December during the winter solstice, I set an Intention for the coming year, including monthly check-ins at each new moon.

This week the second new moon of the year arrived – the Worm Moon. As I settled in for my promised monthly review, I was struck by how task oriented I am. Does this help me achieve my goal? Maybe.

My 2023 intention is to have “A Sense of Purpose.” This particular quest began knowing it’s an intangible and abstract proposition. Choosing where to put my time and energy is key. The three paths that called me were community, writing and self-care. They looked the most promising to deliver encounters with insight into the part I play in this life.

Being a singular person, self-care is vital. Prioritizing my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health gives me the stamina and inspiration to meet this mystery. My writing shows me what I know, what I don’t know – and the great chasm in between; not to mention as a door to be both brave and vulnerable. As part of a whole my community reflects where and who I am; offering direction and a foundation to grow.

I chose projects, experiences and encounters to pursue for each path. They are all delightful and motivating, and I eagerly jumped in.

Backroads; Wyoming

In month one I acknowledged, HA! my eyes are bigger than my stomach and the banquet needed to be refined. My appetite is big, but I moved a few bits to a back burner. Still, I did look at potential time sucks; were they obstacles or assists? I’m talking to you TikTok! This question is still under review.

Month two included low energy and lack of motivation. Instead of shaking my finger at myself, I stepped off the treadmill and rested. So, not every box will be checked on my March “want to do” list, but a big win for Emotional Health (woot woot).

This is an interesting journey I set myself on, and I’m eager for more.

“Each man’s life represents a road toward himself, an attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path… But each of us – experiments of the depths – strives toward his own destiny. We can understand one another; but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone.”

― Herman Hesse
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When I Need to Let Go – Calling all Angels

Its mind blowing, crazy how hard it is to let shit go. Knowing that this turbulence is baked into my neurobiology, helps me see on some level, that the struggle is partially organic.

This truth can be an excuse or a dare. Making a decision to reprogram my brain – or not; depends on my perceptions. This viewpoint is entangled with the same synaptic bugaboos plus an environmental luck of the draw. Granting myself grace on this journey helps me be patient with the process.

It’s tricky to know when I’m unconsciously holding onto some something. However, my situation – my body – my dreams send messages. Being open to hear the lesson, to make space for awareness so the unconscious becomes conscious is a gift to my spirit.

. . The subway door closed quickly after I slipped out, but before my companions could make it. They ran backwards to push the open button; I impulsively jabbed my hand into the gap to pop it open again. That didn’t work, and I watched as my hand was dragged away.

. . . and then I woke up. Dreams!

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Dreams; are they messages from the unconscious? Do they have meaning? Maybe. I’m not one to naturally remember my dreams. This one was a random rare exception. Sharing it with a friend yielded the “let go or be dragged” mantra.

Missives that resonate deeply call for contemplation and reflection. Sometimes insight can be elusive.

When I don’t know but I want to; I reflect on the Serenity Prayer for direction.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Do I have any control over – whatever? No? Then acknowledgment and tolerance are appropriate. If yes, then what can I do to effect change? Guts and grit are helpful here.

Knowing the difference? – there’s no rushing that. Have to sit with it – for who knows how long. Experience tells me I tend to stir the pot and get into mischief, often without considering the consequences. Sheer orneriness or some darn synapse?

When I take my time and listen to that still quiet voice, the ideas that come are helpful. This knowing generally consists of small; one-degree turns in a healthy, positive direction. Wisdom is following these next right steps – wherever they may lead.

“To experience more synchronicity and ‘coincidences’ we need to listen and be aware of the world around us and also our intuition.

That’s how the universe speaks to itself, it’s an ongoing flow of information that comes from both the outside and from within.

Pay attention to how the universe speaks to you today and participate in the flow by being attentive and by listening to your inner voice.”

― Maria Erving