Author: Marjorie

When I think about the times I truly felt heard and understood – I get a sensation of warmth and pleasure – like being wrapped in a comfy blanket of happy.   Connecting with someone this way is energizing; it’s a gift – and incredibly hard to do!  In his book Fear; Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, Thich Nhat Hanh says:

“When communication is cut off, we all suffer.  When no one listens to us or understands us, we are like bombs ready to explode.”

“Many of us have lost our capacity for listening and using loving speech in our families.  It may be that no one is capable of listening to anyone else.  So we feel very lonely even within our own families” . . . “if we really love someone, we need to train ourselves to be deep listeners.” 

There’s no shortage of advice about the importance of good listening skills.  My foundation was set in the 90’s with Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People where he famously taught “Habit 5: Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood.”  Knowing this intellectually is very different than practicing it from the heart.

What does it take to listen deeply?

Thich Nhat Hanh says in The Art of Communicating that “Sometimes when you see your partner behaving in a way that irritates you, you might want to reproach him or her.  If you immediately try to correct him, he may get irritated, and then you both are irritated and become unkind.”

I’d venture a BIG GUESS this happens to lots of people.  Nhat Hanh suggests you:

“. . invite your partner to speak.  You may learn that your partner has many wrong perceptions about you and about the situation, but try not to interrupt.  Let her speak.  Let her have a chance to speak out everything in her so she can feel listened to and understood.  As your partner speaks, continue to breathe mindfully.  Later on you may find a way to undo her misunderstanding, little by little in a very skillful, loving way, and mutual understanding will grow.” 

“If your partner says something untrue, don’t interrupt and say, “No, no, you’re wrong.  That wasn’t my intention.”  Let him speak out.  He’s just trying to speak out the difficulty.  If you interrupt, he will lose his inspiration to speak, and he will not tell you everything.  You have plenty of time.”

Easy-peasy, right?  Ha!  It’s good to have a specific technique to help work through new behaviors.  After reading a pile of Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh books – their suggestion to “breathe” is the easiest to remember – and most useful.  “Continue to breathe mindfully. . . “

My experiments in deep listening are mostly with my husband.  Anyone married more than a decade knows that not interrupting to “correct his wrong perception” can be quite a feat – Ego! Ego! Ego!  Thankfully I’m practicing non-judgement on myself too – because some days I execute better than others.

It’s kind of amazing to see the tension leave someone who’s been listened to deeply.  There’s a physical, visual difference.  And it opens the door to respond with loving speech.

“When you understand their suffering, you feel compassion for them, and suddenly you don’t hate anymore, you’re not afraid of them anymore.  Your way of looking at them has changed.  They see compassion and acceptance in your eyes, and right away they suffer less.”

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“Genuine listening is hard work; there is little about it that is mechanical…  We hear with our ears, but we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well” – Alfred Benjamin

How long does a planted seed take to sprout and grow?  If ever?  Ten years ago I read Thich Nhat Hahn’s The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching and Peace Is Every Step.  His words must have registered somewhere inside – I remember nattering about “right work” to lots of people.  I took a hard right turn that season and started watering and feeding a very different perspective.  My focus was the outward Merriam-Webster definition of success: “getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame.”  Funny how life has a way of providing course corrections . . . and gently or ruthlessly taking us back where we need to be.

This year brought the Zen Master’s books Fear, No Mud No Lotus, and The Art of Communicating across my path.  The difference in how I’m internalizing the concepts today is amazing.  Thich Naht Hahn reminds me in his book on communication:

“We consume not because we need to consume but because we’re afraid of encountering the suffering inside us.” 

“But there is a way of getting in touch with the suffering without being overwhelmed by it.  We try to avoid suffering, but suffering is useful.  We need suffering.  Going back to listen and understand our suffering brings about the birth of compassion and love.  If we take the time to listen deeply to our own suffering, we will be able to understand it.  Any suffering that has not been released and reconciled will continue.”

”Understanding suffering gives rise to compassion.  Love is born, and right away we suffer less.  If we understand the nature and the roots of our suffering, the path leading to the cessation of the suffering will appear in front of us.” 

“We need suffering” – for real?  O-Kay . . . I’ve heard that “the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results.”  My usual tactics when avoiding and denying hurt and discomfort don’t appear to bring lasting relief – what could it hurt if I tested this hypothesis?  But how do I start?

“We don’t tell our fear to go away; we recognize it.  We don’t tell our anger to go away; we acknowledge it.  These feelings are like a small child tugging at our sleeves.  Pick them up and hold them tenderly.  Acknowledging our feelings without judging them or pushing them away, embracing them with mindfulness, is an act of homecoming.”

Simply being aware of and not judging my own feelings is novel and unfamiliar.  It’s time to stop the habitual shoving and pushing emotions down and away; no more scolding my sweet self for some perceived lack.  How incredibly uncomfortable, yet liberating.

When my husband asked “What are you reading these days?  You’re so much nicer,” I knew I was on the right track!  And I’m not just nicer to him – I’m nicer to me!  Hallelujah!

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“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” ― Marcel Proust

Decision made: Free the Wily Fox!  Ran the numbers, had heartfelt discussion with hubby; selected a date.  Then what does the wily fox do? – Huddles in a corner quaking in her furry boots.

Oh yeah .. committee in my head hears Jean Stapleton’s character in You’ve Got Mail telling Kathleen Kelly she’s brave when she decides to close her store:

“..You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life.  Oh, I know it doesn’t feel like that.  You feel like a big fat failure now.  But you’re not.  You are marching into the unknown armed with… [pause] – Nothing.  Have a sandwich.”

Okay, I’m armed with a little more than nothing, have an exit strategy (kinda) and some runway.  But the fear is there – and struggles about failure; not being all I once thought I could be.  I go back and forth, okay being me – and then not.

In his book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, Thich Nhat Hanh says:

“The only way to ease our fear and be truly happy is to acknowledge our fear and look deeply at its source. Instead of trying to escape from our fear, we can invite it up to our awareness and look at it clearly and deeply.”

Meditation helps me acknowledge what I feel and look at its source.  Amongst moments of awareness and deep looking these past five weeks were periods of escapism and my habitual stuffing with food, video games and TV – oh so not pretty.  When I take the time to look though, fear is fascinating and personal.  The coping mechanisms that saved my ass once-upon-a-time, are now just keeping me isolated and perpetually pissed off.

Culturally we’re taught to run or punch.  My preference is to run, avoid and withdraw; less blood.  Breathing in – breathing out; pay attention to my body.  This isn’t easy, my habits and beliefs feel real; justified.  Yet when I make the effort to be mindful, to question my ways and find their roots I’m calmer; uncomfortable, but calmer.  Sitting in my discomfort; simply being present; no defense, no retaliation . . . there’s a shift.  Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron both say compassion is the key; first compassion for myself; then compassion for others.

As Thich Nhat Hanh says “Hello, my fear. Hello, my anger. Hello, my sadness. I know you are there. I’m going to take good care of you.”  Here’s to loving me.

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“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ― Rumi