When I think about the times I truly felt heard and understood – I get a sensation of warmth and pleasure – like being wrapped in a comfy blanket of happy. Connecting with someone this way is energizing; it’s a gift – and incredibly hard to do! In his book Fear; Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, Thich Nhat Hanh says:
“When communication is cut off, we all suffer. When no one listens to us or understands us, we are like bombs ready to explode.”
“Many of us have lost our capacity for listening and using loving speech in our families. It may be that no one is capable of listening to anyone else. So we feel very lonely even within our own families” . . . “if we really love someone, we need to train ourselves to be deep listeners.”
There’s no shortage of advice about the importance of good listening skills. My foundation was set in the 90’s with Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People where he famously taught “Habit 5: Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood.” Knowing this intellectually is very different than practicing it from the heart.
What does it take to listen deeply?
Thich Nhat Hanh says in The Art of Communicating that “Sometimes when you see your partner behaving in a way that irritates you, you might want to reproach him or her. If you immediately try to correct him, he may get irritated, and then you both are irritated and become unkind.”
I’d venture a BIG GUESS this happens to lots of people. Nhat Hanh suggests you:
“. . invite your partner to speak. You may learn that your partner has many wrong perceptions about you and about the situation, but try not to interrupt. Let her speak. Let her have a chance to speak out everything in her so she can feel listened to and understood. As your partner speaks, continue to breathe mindfully. Later on you may find a way to undo her misunderstanding, little by little in a very skillful, loving way, and mutual understanding will grow.”
“If your partner says something untrue, don’t interrupt and say, “No, no, you’re wrong. That wasn’t my intention.” Let him speak out. He’s just trying to speak out the difficulty. If you interrupt, he will lose his inspiration to speak, and he will not tell you everything. You have plenty of time.”
Easy-peasy, right? Ha! It’s good to have a specific technique to help work through new behaviors. After reading a pile of Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh books – their suggestion to “breathe” is the easiest to remember – and most useful. “Continue to breathe mindfully. . . “
My experiments in deep listening are mostly with my husband. Anyone married more than a decade knows that not interrupting to “correct his wrong perception” can be quite a feat – Ego! Ego! Ego! Thankfully I’m practicing non-judgement on myself too – because some days I execute better than others.
It’s kind of amazing to see the tension leave someone who’s been listened to deeply. There’s a physical, visual difference. And it opens the door to respond with loving speech.
“When you understand their suffering, you feel compassion for them, and suddenly you don’t hate anymore, you’re not afraid of them anymore. Your way of looking at them has changed. They see compassion and acceptance in your eyes, and right away they suffer less.”
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
“Genuine listening is hard work; there is little about it that is mechanical… We hear with our ears, but we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well” – Alfred Benjamin