When I’m squeezed between aspiration and reality, hearing Pema Chodron’s experience is encouraging. She recounts a moment of clarity during a habitual response to money issues. She shared how that illuminating moment was likely the result of –
“.. years of looking as honestly and uncritically as I could at my experience. Possibly it was also a result of all the meditation training I had done in seeing when I’d spin off and then just coming back to the present.”
Dang It – no shortcut! Gotta put in the foot work. “The key is changing our habits and, in particular, the habits of our mind.” She shares how she got it that day –
“Right there in the middle of a very habitual state of mind, I saw what I was doing. I not only saw what I was doing I also stopped. I stopped following through with my habitual plan to save the day. I decided not to rush around trying to avert disaster. I let the thoughts that “only I could rescue us” come and I let them go. I decided to see what would happen without my input-even if it meant that everything would fall apart. Sometimes you just have to let everything fall apart. Stopping my actions was the first step and the hardest one.”
“The instruction is to stop. Do anything besides rushing off in the same old direction, up to the same old tricks.” – Doing this “can bring about revolutionary changes in how we perceive things.”
Feeling the squeeze . . . in my reality I stop after I spin off; with all the pleasures of reeling in the repercussions of my big fat mouth … thankyouverymuch … start where you are.
Hearing Pema Chodron say this work helps us see that we “have no ground to stand on,” is on the other side of my cultural cozy zone.
Happily, there are parallels in the west, and I’m psyched when I find them. I picked up Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D. This book is about “reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness…” Sounds like mindfulness to me – very eastern and Buddhist. Seeing concepts crossing apparent boundaries reinforces my belief in the inter-connection of all things.
Dr. Rosenberg outlines the four components of the nonviolent communication process (NVP):
- Observations – observe without evaluation. Stop the judging!
- Feelings – take responsibility for what we feel; know that it’s not what we “think”
- Needs – connect our feelings to our needs “I feel . . . because I need . . . “
- Requests – ask for what we want, not what we don’t want
Pema Chodron says that “the instruction is to stop . . . do anything besides rushing off in the same old direction . . .” Marshall Rosenberg suggests the same.
There’s a great list of “feeling words” in Rosenberg’s book. Helpful. Being a thinker, I’m comfortable with thinking words. They’re very different than feeling words. Adding the “because I need. . . “ phrase is an added stretch! Where is that darn “because I need” list of words! Poo-di. The effort is worth it; especially if I want to have compassionate and empathetic conversations. Rosenberg says that “needs are at the roots of feelings” and that –
“When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.”
“Most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs.” Could this be why there are so many pissed off people in the world? Needs can’t get met if we don’t express them. I can choose differently; I can accept responsibility for my feelings – even when the message I get is negative. Rosenberg says we have four options for receiving negative messages:
- Take it personally – blame ourselves
- Fault the speaker – blame them
- Shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs
- Shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs
Well! Since number 1 and number 2 end up in my reality way too often – I must need me some more learnin’ … Hahaha! Right up my alley.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck
Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” dependably brings tears to my eyes. When mom died the tears just rolled down my face; I felt Puff’s loss of Jackie Paper in my bones – “Without his lifelong friend Puff could not be brave.”
