The practice of tonglen, Pema Chodron explains in Comfortable with Uncertainty is to “invite the pain in.” It takes courage; then conversely gives courage. When I breathe in what “is painful or undesirable,” stop resisting, acknowledge who I am, I can find “the middle ground between acting out and repressing.”
Pema says that with meditation and this practice of tonglen:
“… we discover how to hold our seat and feel completely what’s underneath the story line of craving or aversion … underneath all that hopelessness and despair … we find bodhichitta” – our natural state.
The idea of surrender, yielding to the pain; allowing it to wash over me, sink in; and really getting that it’s just a story I’m telling myself – is nauseating and tantalizing.
“In post-meditation, when the poisons of passion, aggression, or ignorance arise, the instruction is to drop the story line. Instead of acting out or repressing, we use the poison as an opportunity to feel our heart, to feel the wound, and to connect with others who suffer in the same way.”
Use the poison – feel the wound; let go of the story line … that “is the key to touching in with the wealth of bodhichitta” – my real self. I fluctuate between gut clenching and calm. Again, grateful that Pema says:
“With all the messy stuff, no matter how messy it is, just start where you are.”
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“All great changes are proceeded by chaos.” ― Deepak Chopra
“When you notice what you do, don’t try to change it. Don’t criticize yourself for whatever it is you’re doing. Just notice what it is.”
Been spending a lot of time noticing, as Pema Chodron recommends in Comfortable with Uncertainty. She says if we stay in the middle:
“. . we start to see what’s happening . . . we acknowledge our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to fortify our cocoon . . . we start to get curious about what’s going on.”
Pema says we do three things when we see our irritating habits – the ones that make us crazy like “laziness, anger, or self-pity.” She says we use “the three futile strategies.”FUTILE! “fu·tile; (fyo͞odl,ˈfyo͞odīl) / adjective; incapable of producing any useful result; pointless.” Got it!
They are “attacking, indulging, and ignoring.”
“. . attacking is particularly popular. When we see our habit we condemn ourselves. We criticize and shame ourselves for indulging in comfort, or pitying ourselves, or not getting out of bed. We wallow in the feeling of badness and guilt.”
Certainly! A favorite pastime, flagellating myself because I’m human, get pissed, am less than perfect. Note to Self: must stop this.
“. . indulging is equally common. We justify and even applaud our habit: “This is just the way I am. . . We may be haunted by self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy but we talk ourselves into condoning our behavior.”
Oh yes .. another amusement: lively conversations with the committee in my head – not helping. Neither are the obsessive compulsive trips to the cookie cupboard!
“. . ignoring is quite effective, at least for a while. We dissociate, space out, go numb.”
My favorite strategy; my wee cocoon. So much time imitating a pill bug. Pull back, curl up – wrap myself in that protective shell – I’m gonna be okay! . . . Is that not working??? NOOOOO!!!
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A warrior bodhisattvas will try the “fourth alternative” – “experiencing whatever you’ve been resisting-without exiting in your habitual ways. Become inquisitive about your habits.” Just observe, watch. This is HARD!!!
I walk around having weird conversations with myself .. “no, no, don’t repress your anger – just watch it … no, no, now you’re indulging – whoa! Go easy girl, you’ve pilled up; unfurl yourself” – no need to go all passive aggressive. Aaaaaahhhhhh! Sigh. Lucky me, I get to try again tomorrow. Remember, just be curious about myself. It (whatever “it” is) – will be revealed. Pema says:
“Practice touching in with the fundamental tenderness and groundlessness of your being before it hardens into habit. Do this with the clear intention that your ego-clinging diminish and that your wisdom and compassion increase.”
Yeah – that. And time is my friend.
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“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ― Nelson Mandela
Knowing my desire to build ambiguity muscles, Renee followed an instinct and gifted me a copy of Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty; 108 “practical teachings” from her works. The timing was perfect and I started reading these small vignettes before my daily meditation.
The objective of this collection is to help “cultivate compassion and awareness amid the challenges of daily living,” and offers “a progressive program of spiritual study, leading the reader through essential concepts, themes, and practices on the Buddhist path.” So far, so good!
Everything I read in the preface was appealing, reinforcing my belief that these readings, combined with meditation will help me “become familiar” with my “natural openheartedness.” My desire to awaken bodhichitta – particularly “absolute bodhichitta” our “natural state, experienced as the basic goodness that links us to every other living being on the planet” pulled me in.
Then came teaching #3 – explaining that “those who train wholeheartedly in awakening bodhichitta are called bodhisattvas or warriors.” – AND – “warrior-bodhisattvas enter challenging situations in order to alleviate suffering.”
I’ve been chewing on this for a month now. My initial reaction was – NO WAY. Who voluntarily enters challenging situations to alleviate suffering? Okay, I know a few folks who might, but that’s not my M.O. I felt my insides recoil . . but trudged on:
“A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure. It’s also what makes us afraid.”
This feels true; but crap, I want to be safe and comfortable – at least until I’m bored. Okay, I do like adventure – but oh God; can’t stand the fear!
The good news for me is that to cultivate “an unconditional loving-kindness” with myself – I just need to “start where you are.” No more, no less. Grace.
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“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can..” – Arthur Ashe
My resume was blank; I’d wiped the whole thing clean; all the blood, sweat and tears – whoosh. Time for something radically different – no more same ‘ole corporate blah blah blah. Did not expect how much it would freak me out … all that white space. Been living that traditional a good long while.
Crazy; the LinkedIN jobs notices I get that “might interest me” really – REALLY don’t. They make me grimace. My own darn fault – my profile being chock full of a technical, practical and pragmatic career; stuff I’m good at, years spent perfecting, but hope to never, ever have to do again. It’s time to shake it up. Enter my new Mentor. I asked for her help to refresh and revamp how I present myself professionally.
Not an easy request for me to make; perhaps not for most folks. Who relishes that kind of exposure? My lizard brain, as Seth Godin calls it, was twitching.
Yet, I’d finally found a Mentor I liked and respected; one who genuinely wants to know me, who will advise me to reach MY goals and objectives, not her version of success. She read my resume – “This isn’t you!” SO RIGHT. It’s NOT me. It’s the packaged me, made to be acceptable at our company, in my industry; to fit into a neat little bundle with all the right buzz words – SO dang boring that I want to bang my head on the wall.
So my resume was blank. Time to take a risk. Tell the world what I really want to do, offer up my real self. Oh yeah; the lizard brain isn’t just twitching, it’s throbbing.
“If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.” – Joseph Campbell; The Power of Myth
Follow my bliss. Can I make any money to blissfully support myself? Hard to ditch the practical when it’s served me so well. I’ve got a great new book to help me build my meditation muscles: Comfortable With Uncertainty, by Pema Chodron. She’s teaching me the importance of the middle: ”Openness doesn’t come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.” Pema encourages us to “acknowledge our aversions and our cravings” to “become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to fortify our cocoon.” If we don’t judge what comes up, she says “Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax.” Tradition and fitting-in definitely fortify my cocoon! Time to take off the mask.
Stepping out of my comfort zone is scary and exciting all at once. Reinvention ideas are coming – they’re not conventional. I’m thrilled and delighted, inspired – AND terrified, anxious and shy. I’ll sit with these feelings; both spectrums – no judgement. I’m right where I need to be.
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“The soul has no room in which to present itself if we continually fill all the gaps with bogus activities.” – Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul
The practice of tonglen, Pema Chodron explains in Comfortable with Uncertainty is to “invite the pain in.” It takes courage; then conversely gives courage. When I breathe in what “is painful or undesirable,” stop resisting, acknowledge who I am, I can find “the middle ground between acting out and repressing.”
