Decision made: Free the Wily Fox! Ran the numbers, had heartfelt discussion with hubby; selected a date. Then what does the wily fox do? – Huddles in a corner quaking in her furry boots.
Oh yeah .. committee in my head hears Jean Stapleton’s character in You’ve Got Mail telling Kathleen Kelly she’s brave when she decides to close her store:
“..You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn’t feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you’re not. You are marching into the unknown armed with… [pause] – Nothing. Have a sandwich.”
Okay, I’m armed with a little more than nothing, have an exit strategy (kinda) and some runway. But the fear is there – and struggles about failure; not being all I once thought I could be. I go back and forth, okay being me – and then not.
In his book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, Thich Nhat Hanh says:
“The only way to ease our fear and be truly happy is to acknowledge our fear and look deeply at its source. Instead of trying to escape from our fear, we can invite it up to our awareness and look at it clearly and deeply.”
Meditation helps me acknowledge what I feel and look at its source. Amongst moments of awareness and deep looking these past five weeks were periods of escapism and my habitual stuffing with food, video games and TV – oh so not pretty. When I take the time to look though, fear is fascinating and personal. The coping mechanisms that saved my ass once-upon-a-time, are now just keeping me isolated and perpetually pissed off.
Culturally we’re taught to run or punch. My preference is to run, avoid and withdraw; less blood. Breathing in – breathing out; pay attention to my body. This isn’t easy, my habits and beliefs feel real; justified. Yet when I make the effort to be mindful, to question my ways and find their roots I’m calmer; uncomfortable, but calmer. Sitting in my discomfort; simply being present; no defense, no retaliation . . . there’s a shift. Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron both say compassion is the key; first compassion for myself; then compassion for others.
As Thich Nhat Hanh says “Hello, my fear. Hello, my anger. Hello, my sadness. I know you are there. I’m going to take good care of you.” Here’s to loving me.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ― Rumi
