Tag: #brenebrown

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Belonging, Being Vulnerable and Gratitude

When life is good it’s likely the result of effort, gratitude and heartfelt connections. Self-acceptance is a big hurdle. Being vulnerable and showing the world who I am when I’m pressed to simply fit in, is another.

Reading Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, is thought provoking. Her definition around the emotions of belonging, fitting in and connecting absolutely resonate.

She explains connection as:

“.. the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

“This is why our experiences of disconnection are so painful…”

Authenticity is basic to experience belonging. And scary as hell. Conformity fosters acceptance – being different can withhold it. But open my heart I must, and trust that the Universe will deliver a supportive community.

In her chapter Places We Go When Life Is Good, Brené reveals the significance of gratitude and appreciation. She says:

“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives and makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

While having an “attitude of gratitude” is important, she explains that it’s more than that: “an attitude is a way of thinking; a practice is a way of doing, trying, failing, and trying again.”

Practice.

According to her research, those who practice gratitude create a capacity for joy.

I’m reminded of a beautiful soul who tended my cousin at the end of her life. We met and connected at my cousin’s memorial. She generously shares her life, the blessings and the challenges. I’m always struck by her appreciation and gratitude for all life; and the beauty she sees and brings to the world. It’s aspirational.

When I spend more time in the feeling of appreciation, I create a future ripe for joy. That’s where I choose to set my sights.

Today I will appreciate this beautiful short by Iniko. It’s a performance that moves, delights and inspires me to joyfulness.

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ― Voltaire

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I Love Words – They Are Delicious

As someone who loves words and their subtle nuances and layers, Brené Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart” is especially delicious. She examines emotions and experiences, and the words we use to define them. How we make meaning. She says:

“.. the ability to name this emotion or experience is essential to being able to process it in a productive and healing manner.”

The 87 words she highlights and categorizes are organized based on her research. Groupings are determined by how words “.. relate and compare to one another.” That reflect “our lived experiences.”

Hope

Chapter Six struck a chord. Hope is an upbeat word for me. How could it be tucked in with the chapter on “Places We Go When We’re Hurting – Anguish, Hopelessness, Despair, Sadness, Grief?” Ms. Brown says “Hope is a function of struggle – we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort.” Hope is not an emotion.

“We experience hope when:

  1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I Know where I want to go).
  2. We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try new paths again and again).
  3. We have agency – we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”

“We need hope like we need air.”

A myriad of distractions the past 7 years did a number on some of my cherished goals. Unsettling political times, a global pandemic and a couple relocations took their toll. Left me questioning where I want to go and how to get there. Can I even do it?

Brené says that “hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible.” She also says it’s a learned habit.

So … Tested? Check. Possible? Likely. Good to know.

Hopelessness and Despair

While both are emotions, they aren’t the same thing. They’re equally hard, but the distinctions are notable.

“Hopelessness stems from not being able to set realistic goals (we don’t know what we want), and even if we can identify realistic goals, we can’t figure out how to achieve them. If we attempt to achieve the goals, we give up when we fail, we can’t tolerate disappointment, and we can’t reset. Last, we don’t believe in ourselves or our ability to achieve what we want.”

“Despair is a sense of hopelessness about a person’s entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair.”

Brené goes on to say:

“I once heard theologian Rob Bell define despair as “the belief that tomorrow will be just like today.” When we are in struggle and/or experiencing pain, despair—that belief that there is no end to what we’re experiencing—is a desperate and claustrophobic feeling. We can’t figure a way out of or through the struggle and the suffering.”

The permanence built into believing tomorrow won’t be better is tragic. This is where the habit of resilience comes in handy.

Re-evaluating my goals and sitting in ambiguity is different than hopelessness. My long-time habit of seeing the glass as half full is a strength, a touchstone. No doubt this period of time was a trial. My gratitude for cultivating a hopeful perspective is immeasurable. Knowing the distinctions in my situation carried me to a better place.

“I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.” ― Frida Kahlo

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Dazed and Confused – The Unexpected Lessons

Some lessons come out of the blue. Yes, I’m on a sincere quest to know myself – but damn! Those revelations that catch me sideways are booger-bears.

While I’m familiar with the “Aha!” of sudden insight, a recent and unexpected epiphany threw me.

Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart explores the language of experience. She helps us define meaning and gain understanding from emotions. In the chapter on “Places We Go When It’s Beyond Us” her insights helped me appreciate that surprising and confusing Eureka moment.

She began quoting Adam Grant who wrote Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know:

“I need time for my confusion.” Confusion can be a cue that there’s new territory to be explored or a fresh puzzle to be solved.”

She continues saying “.. confusion like many uncomfortable things in life, is vital for learning. According to research, confusion has the potential to motivate, lead to deep learning, and trigger problem solving.”

With my area of focus the past six months crystalizing, I found that I’d hunkered down in my story. When I was presented with some sound logic revealing a persistent blind-spot I was dumbfounded.

Had to sit with that discomfort for a little minute.

However, it led me to move into another emotion Ms. Brown groups with confusion – curiosity.

Many of my recent discoveries are sound, and I’m pointed in the right direction. But the nuance I found by removing this barrier revealed a treasure trove to explore.

Now, I can’t cop to being comfortable sitting in confusion; but curiosity motivates me.

I KNOW – that I don’t know what I don’t know. I have decades of willingness to be uncomfortable and risk being wrong under my belt. And still, I have blind spots.

So let me be curious and follow the breadcrumbs of confusion. Let me hold that space and continue to surprise myself.

“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort.”

― Brené Brown; Atlas of the Heart
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