Grief - Whoa. Buddy | Living The Emerson Rule

Intellectually I understand Dr. Henry Cloud’s grief warnings in his book Boundaries; they make sense:

“To start to say no . . . is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.”
“Let go. In the safety of your supportive relationships, face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes. This will be like a funeral. You will go through the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. You will not necessarily go through these stages in order, but you will probably feel all these emotions. This is normal.”
“Do not be surprised by grief. This will be sad, but let others love you in that process. Mourners can be comforted.”

Emotionally, experiencing the grief is a different matter. As I tend to do, I applied the recommended steps. Reflected on my symptoms, started small, found safe people and places, worked up to bigger issues. . . – and wham! Opened a wound I thought was long gone. “Do not be surprised. . . ” – uh, right.

It’s peculiar, this grief at losing my old self. How can I give up that part of me that kept me separate, safe and insulated from this big bad world? The thought of it brings an unexpected sorrow.

So how do I keep from coming unglued while I learn new behaviors? My first inclination (truthfully – is to run and shut down); then I think about my bag of tricks – I’ve got a few. I think I’ll start with some basics from the world of recovery. While they could appear trite, the truth behind these slogans can save a life. From the book How Al-Anon Works: