Category: Psychology – Behavior and Mind

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Deliver Me! One Step at a Time

There’s no magic wand delivering me from despair to joy. This universal truth is found in slogans and adages like “one day at a time” and “every journey begins with a single step.”

In the book Ask and it is Given, Esther & Jerry Hicks outline a 22-point scale of emotions. When I find myself in the basement and am wracked with despair, moving up to joy can be quite the trek. Maybe I could heave myself from #22 to #17. Anger is better than the powerlessness despair provokes.

When I want to remember and practice a particular lesson, I take notes. This collection I augmented, teasing out nuances that resonated more authentically for me. Then I pinned it in my phone’s Notes App to keep it handy.

When I get irritated and impatient, I remind myself to move through my cynical sadness and weariness, knowing contentment is around the corner.

Spending most days in the top 7 rungs on this scale is a worthy goal.

This requires I search my inner self and the obstacles to growth and enlightenment.

The lyrics in Fleetwood Mac’s hit Landslide deliver a hopeful, optimistic sentiment toward introspection. The genuine, wistful and self-examining queries open a solid route for this seeker.

”Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

As I mature, the reflective nature of this song captures my imagination. I wonder at the energy my highest self can offer the child of my heart.

Will my own acceptance, forgiveness, love and understanding lift me above the tides of life I’m here to live?

The gift of self-awareness brings a boldness that didn’t always show up in earlier seasons. Bringing down the barriers my ego constructs, takes me closer to the peace I desire.

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.”

– Jonas Sal
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Ouch – Didn’t See That Coming!

Almost everyone gets their buttons pushed on occasion. After all, we live in this world and are a product of cultural conditioning. It’s natural to react when our sense of self gets poked. How I meet that moment is what’s important.

There’s a hierarchy to my emotional triggers. Some I’ve danced with for years and are like an old pair of jeans. They don’t knock me down; I can breathe, take a pause and move forward pretty quickly.

Some are rougher; familiar but dark and deeply embedded in my psyche. Still, after decades of practice I can visit my support toolkit and move past the “fight, flight, freeze” reaction.

Then there’s the blindside. Can’t prepare for it. I don’t know what I don’t know.

But I’m hella ready to go there. After I pick myself up off the pavement.

Making conscious what’s buried in my subconscious is a process. Like the onion analogy, each layer takes me closer to my true self; one memory at time. Sometimes the themes are similar, but with a nuance that tests my mettle. Grit is required.

Carrying old wounds is a heavy burden. When I avoid them, they show up as depression and despair. Use the blindside . . . walk through the Kubler-Ross grief cycle.

When I don’t own my resentment and suffering, I bounce around the grief cycle and never achieve acceptance. Fixating on someone else’s side of the street, denying my part, feeds bitterness. If I want to move on, I must do the work.

These two TikTok’s by Inna Aizenshtein are informative on how to see, own and release what triggers me:

@inna_aizenshtein

😔 “I want to stop being triggered by others” ☹️ “Why can’t I respond differently? I am better than this!” 😣 “I want to change my compulsive behaviors but willpower isn’t working” 🚫 Here is why willpower doesn’t work when you are responding to a trigger, or even to a deeply engrained habitual behavior: ⛑ So long as your reaction is reflexive, it is a subconscious protective response. It cannot be changed. ✨ If that feels disempowering, there’s a lot you can do! Here’s how: 🌱 Re-process the entire event through the lens of learning and growth. If you can attach a positive association (learning + growth) to your negative experience, and especially if you can begin to take aligned action based on that positive association, you will naturally rewrite the emotional charge that experience has on you. 💛 The less residual negative charge this past experience holds, the less your subconscious mind will try to reflexively protect you (in a way you may not like). Ultimately, this will help you create more space to pause in the moments following a used-to-be trigger, and respond in exactly the way you’d like to! (Part 1 of 2) 📝 In the next video, I share questions you can ask yourself to reframe the challenge in a positive light. You can work through this process alone, with a friend, or your therapist. #willpower #nowillpower #compulsivebehaviors #triggered #triggers #copingstrategies #copingmechanism #CBT #PTSD #pasttrauma #howtoheal #howtocope #healingjourney #subconscious #subconsciousmind #reflex #journaling #journalingquestions #alignedactions

♬ Inspirational Cinematic Piano – MMaxmusic
@inna_aizenshtein

Replying to @luxecakesbyelina 🤬➡️😌 Want to change how you react to triggers? ⛑ A reflex response happens before you become aware of it, so stop relying on your willpower. Here’s what you can do: 🤓 Attach a positive association to your negative experience (by reframing the entire event as an opportunity for learning + growth). The sooner you begin to take aligned action based on that positive association, the faster you will naturally rewrite the emotional charge that experience has on your subconscious mind. 📝 Here are some questions you can ask yourself to reframe the challenging situation in a positive light. You can work through this process alone, with a friend, or your therapist. 💛 The less residual negative charge this past experience holds, the less your subconscious mind will try to reflexively protect you (in a way you may not like). Ultimately, this will help you create more space to pause in the moments following a used-to-be trigger, and respond in exactly the way you’d like to! (Part 2 of 2) #triggered #healingjourney #subconsciousmind #tbm

♬ Inspirational Cinematic Piano – MMaxmusic

Appreciate the lesson.

“It might be possible that ‘triggered’ may not be the most helpful word … For me, there is a felt sense of violence in this word, while ‘touched and awakened’ more accurately describes what happens to these sequestered neural nets.

This gentler wording helps us cultivate a sense of meeting the experience every time we are so ‘touched’ with an appreciation for what it might be offering.” ― Bonnie Badenoch, The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships

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Be Happy on the Way to Happy

Thank you, Viola Davis for this Jenifer Lewis short:

As Ms. Davis says in her Instagram post . . . these powerful words are a gift. An inspiring, motivating gift. For me it’s her call to be happy now that most registers.

“You gotta be happy on your way to happy; don’t think you’re going to get there and be happy; you carry yourself with you.”

Going through life sad, mad or melancholy isn’t necessary. Not when there are so many things that bring pleasure and lift me up. Why be consumed or fixated on contrary thoughts and positions?

Everything has its season. Yes. This is life after all.

Choosing how I think and perceive the world is a habit. When I encourage happy thoughts, the joy in life unique and distinctive to me grows. Like a muscle it gets stronger with use.

Today, let me wake up and find delight, enjoyment and pleasure; and choose to meet myself.

“If you’ve got nothing to dance about, find a reason to sing.”

― Melody Carstairs
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You Say I Only Hear What I Want To – Interesting

Saturday, I hiked in the North Georgia Mountains; on a beautiful day visiting a favorite cascading waterfall.

The trail is quite strenuous. And after Hurricane Zeta took out two bridges, it’s wicked. While the park re-opened after two years, repairs are still underway. Greetings dubious creek crossings and embankment climbing.

It was glorious.

That evening and next day I felt it. My body was having a conversation with me.

When people remind me to: “listen to your body” – I’m there! Yeah baby! No brainer. But do I? Do I really listen?

I “hear” my body – but maybe I only hear what I want to. Perhaps I don’t “listen” hard.

Goals, desires and ambitions carry me beyond my boundaries now and again. Not a bad thing. There’s little growth without pushing the envelope. But it’s good to listen to stiff muscles and creaky bones.

In Psychology Today, Kristen Fuller, M.D. explains the difference between simply hearing and actually listening (July 8, 2021):

  • “Listening is an active process, whereas hearing is a passive process
  • Listening requires paying attention, whereas hearing requires no concentration or attention skills
  • Listening requires empathy, curiosity, and motivation, whereas hearing is associated with being disconnected”

Actively pay attention, be compassionate and heed my aches and pains. This week I attend to rest, relaxation and restorative yoga. Taking a time out is me being generous and gentle to me.

“Resting and relaxing is as important as going out there and making it happen.” ― Hiral Nagda

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Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies

Italian writer Dante Alighieri’s Inferno awards the ninth and grimmest circle of hell for those guilty of treachery. A place “reserved for traitors, betrayers and oathbreakers.”

This punishment may feel appropriate when the offender is someone else. But beware throwing stones in a glass house. Who is without an ounce of deceit? Or possess baggage with no broken promises or vows? And what about the pledges I make to myself? Do they count as betrayal?

In her book The Way of Integrity, Martha Beck offers a framework to achieve a life of personal integrity. Tapping into Dante’s passage undertaken in the Divine Comedy, she invites us on a journey to discover our true self. Then she encourages us to live that life.

Simple – but not easy; right up my ally. There’s always something new to learn.

As I progressed, completing each exercise, applying the techniques to get to my truth, I had several “AHA” moments.

The ONE PRACTICE Martha recommends to end suffering and be happy, is – STOP LYING. But be responsible, especially if life dynamics are dangerous.

“Don’t go public immediately. Just notice for yourself, where, why, and to whom you lie. . . But stop lying to yourself.”

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Martha presents three kinds of lies to consider:

  • Black lies: Deliberate, premeditated deception
  • White lies: The social contract leads to social fibs
  • Gray Lies: The fudge factor . . . that “preserves our concept of ourselves”

Black lies are the most obvious, egregious and isolating. White lies may seem harmless but could hide some unconscious self-deception. The Gray lies are found in the stories I tell myself when I’m hiding and may be the source of denial or projection. And watch for moments when silence feels like a lie.

“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”

― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

There are consequences when we change our behavior and Martha cautions:

“Here’s the rub: if you stop lying, you’ll eventually, inevitably violate the rules of a culture that matters to you.”

Walk gently into this new frame of reference. Allow myself to mourn the release of that inauthentic self. Be prepared for push back. But take that first and hardest step and stop lying to myself. Experience the freedom to live an uncommon paradigm.

Maria Scrivan

I stand on the precipice of paradise, having traveled two-thirds through the Comedy with Martha. She titles this chapter “Into the Mystery.” Anticipation, delight and curiosity are before me.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”

― Cheryl Hughes
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