How will I know I’ve learned a lesson? When I set out to change – REALLY change, and be “all that I can be” (but not join the Army!) – How will I know I did it?
When life throws it’s normal assortment of curve balls – that’s when.
The past week brought me three opportunities. Thank you Life for bringing them in such swift succession! It was rough, but I didn’t strike out. Did I see behavior change? . . a change in emotions? . . in my thinking? Yes, yes and yes.
First Curve Ball – was hardest to see. I got a bad cold; fever, sore throat – all the yuck. Why the heck was I getting sick? Wasn’t I meditating – eating right – getting my thoughts and emotions aligned? Shouldn’t this make me bullet-proof or something? Ok – so I decided to listen to my body; allow myself time to recover. Yes me, the fitness freak that danced with a broken toe. I wasn’t anxious or worried that I’d “fall off the wagon” – I will resume and maintain. New behavior, new emotion, new thinking. Took me a week to figure out the message, but I got it. Chill out!
Second Curve Ball – not too hard to see; thanks to my accommodating husband. Saturday: I was on a mission to KonMari our wardrobes (KonMari being the method recommended by Marie Kondo in her book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. “Oh no you didn’t.” my husband said. Ulp.. oh yes I did. I had followed her advice and piled the clothes from our dressers and hall closet onto our bed. It wasn’t pretty. I felt bad; I should have told him how it worked when he agreed to take this on with me. But NOOOOO – why would I do that? I apologized and tried to make it better. The apology was new behavior. Seeing my part in making the mess was new behavior. Not defending my actions and rationalizing was new behavior. I did feel bad; but not defensive and insecure. I know that I have a generous husband, because he rallied and KonMari’d like a pro. Message partly received, consider others.
Third Curve Ball – saw it; yeah this one was in my face. Sunday: I’d planned a nice outing with my (accommodating & generous) husband. Something I thought we’d enjoy together. Well it went off the rails; off the rails and into a ditch; with a cherry on top. Not such a nice outing; it was a disaster. The monster of defensiveness wanted to rear her ugly head – wanted to rationalize and excuse. But I couldn’t. I’d made the plans without much investigation and it was bad. So for the second day in a row, I apologized. This time profusely. I was wrong and there was no defense. Again, my generous husband wrapped me up in his arms and forgave me. Message wholly received, consider others!
Making a decision to change is hard. Taking action, setting a course and maintaining it with diligence will bring feedback. Learning lessons may require some humble pie – certainly requires willing awareness. How will I know? I will know.
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“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” ― Sophocles, Antigone
