Tag: #marthabeck

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Big Change – The Hard Way or No

The prospect of big change, of any kind is daunting. It’s easier to simply carry-on in the grooves I live day-in-day-out. But life is about growth. Without expansion l stagnate – and maybe grow a little bored.

So, I set my sights on my dreams and aspirations – and take baby steps in that direction.

Making small changes; that one-degree turn, is manageable. Take a step – see how it feels. Allow the discomfort to ease. Practice. Practice again, until its second nature. Then take the next step.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear reminds me that while small, these shifts are powerful. Building on the psychological tenets of habit, including the works of Charles Duhigg (The Power of Habit), he offers some simple and practical suggestions, like “master the entry point” . . .

Make that first step SUPER small (atomic); and say: “I will xxxxx”

Then add when . . . “I will xxxxx, at (time)

Finally, say where . . . “I will xxxxx, at (time) in (location)

There are habits I want to reinforce related to meditation, exercise and writing. So, I made an atomic habit tree to nudge me down that road.

Funny how just opening a document on the computer propels me forward. Knowing when and where these modest actions take place work my brain in the direction my heart wants to go.

Cultivating healthy habits; mental, physical and emotional is a lifelong endeavor. This concept is found in many disciplines; from science, business and psychology to Buddhism.

What I do and how I think is crucial to my happiness and well-being. Taking small steps every day will make all the difference.

“A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit.” ― Erasmus

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Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies

Italian writer Dante Alighieri’s Inferno awards the ninth and grimmest circle of hell for those guilty of treachery. A place “reserved for traitors, betrayers and oathbreakers.”

This punishment may feel appropriate when the offender is someone else. But beware throwing stones in a glass house. Who is without an ounce of deceit? Or possess baggage with no broken promises or vows? And what about the pledges I make to myself? Do they count as betrayal?

In her book The Way of Integrity, Martha Beck offers a framework to achieve a life of personal integrity. Tapping into Dante’s passage undertaken in the Divine Comedy, she invites us on a journey to discover our true self. Then she encourages us to live that life.

Simple – but not easy; right up my ally. There’s always something new to learn.

As I progressed, completing each exercise, applying the techniques to get to my truth, I had several “AHA” moments.

The ONE PRACTICE Martha recommends to end suffering and be happy, is – STOP LYING. But be responsible, especially if life dynamics are dangerous.

“Don’t go public immediately. Just notice for yourself, where, why, and to whom you lie. . . But stop lying to yourself.”

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Martha presents three kinds of lies to consider:

  • Black lies: Deliberate, premeditated deception
  • White lies: The social contract leads to social fibs
  • Gray Lies: The fudge factor . . . that “preserves our concept of ourselves”

Black lies are the most obvious, egregious and isolating. White lies may seem harmless but could hide some unconscious self-deception. The Gray lies are found in the stories I tell myself when I’m hiding and may be the source of denial or projection. And watch for moments when silence feels like a lie.

“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”

― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

There are consequences when we change our behavior and Martha cautions:

“Here’s the rub: if you stop lying, you’ll eventually, inevitably violate the rules of a culture that matters to you.”

Walk gently into this new frame of reference. Allow myself to mourn the release of that inauthentic self. Be prepared for push back. But take that first and hardest step and stop lying to myself. Experience the freedom to live an uncommon paradigm.

Maria Scrivan

I stand on the precipice of paradise, having traveled two-thirds through the Comedy with Martha. She titles this chapter “Into the Mystery.” Anticipation, delight and curiosity are before me.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”

― Cheryl Hughes