Living The Emerson Rule

There is fear when setting boundaries.  I don’t want to let people down – especially those I love.  And I really enjoy doing things for my people!  I’m learning though, that when I feel pinched, annoyed or resentful this is a signal that a boundary is being crossed.  Still, I don’t want to let you down – do I do it?  Yes?  No?  Maybe?

Dr. Henry Cloud says in his book Boundaries, “Good boundaries prevent resentment.  It is good to give.  Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for our situation and resources.”  Living with resentment is a sure way to derail me, and I don’t want to end up in the ditch!  So hunker down honey and sit with the fear and discomfort.

Martha Beck had a great post this past week on “How to Tame Your Fears” – Number 5 of her 6 Steps to “steer through fear” caught my attention:

“Watch the path, not the obstacles:  “When you shoot”, my friend Jim, a hockey player, once told me, “you never want to look at the goalie.  Look at the space around him.  Where your eyes go the puck goes.”  A white-water kayaker warned me, “Look at the water, not at the rocks.  Where your eyes go, the boat goes.”  My riding instructor shouted, “Look where you want to go, not where you don’t.  Where your eyes go, the horse goes.” 

Got it?  Where our attention goes, our lives go.  As you take each step be peripherally aware of dangers, but glue your attention to the path between them.”

“Where our attention goes, our lives go.”  I’m convinced that boundaries bring not only a lack of resentment, but joy and gratitude.  Stop focusing on the rocks (letting you down) – and focus on the path (giving from a place of love). 

“. . there is no penalty for not being able to walk on water.” – Veronique Vienne, The Art of Imperfection 

The best time to learn boundaries is when you’re a kid.  Learning to live with boundaries as an adult is messed up.  Not that I have a choice in the matter.  Okay – I have a choice.  If I want to live a full, productive and joy-filled life, I need boundaries.  And I need them everywhere; in relationships with my friends, family; husband.  I need them at work, socially and I need them with myself.

Being boundary challenged is a recent epiphany.  Bursts of new personal insights are not unexpected when pursuing the examined life.  I do recall back in September asking “What do I already know that is preventing me from learning?” THEN: “If I wait and am willing to hear – have the courage to hear – it will be revealed.”  Sigh – don’t you just LOVE when the Universe hears and responds!

A friend lent me her book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud.  It’s steeped in Christian devotions – and she wasn’t sure I’d relate.  While it’s a bit more biblical than I generally prefer, the content is eye-popping.  The message comes when the student is ready – no matter the form.  Bought the book.

Dr. Cloud says “it is often easy to see problems, but difficult to make the hard choices and risks that result in change.”  He outlines steps we can take to effect change in our relationships.

1. “Inventory the symptom. First, you need to recognize the problem and agree to take action to solve it. . .
2. Identify the specific boundary problem. One step beyond identifying the symptom is putting your finger on the specific boundary issue.  .  .
3. Find the origins of the conflict. This is probably not the first relationship in which this boundary issue has arisen. . .
4. Take in the good. This step involves establishing a support system. . . Get help. . .
5. Practice new boundaries in safe relationships, relationships in which people love you unconditionally. . .
6. Say no to the bad. Put limits on the bad … stand up to abuse … say no to unreasonable demands. . . there is no growth without risk and a facing up to fear. . .
7. Forgive.  To not forgive is to lack boundaries.  Unforgiving people allow other people to control them. . .
8. Become proactive. . . figure out what you want to do, set your course, and stick to it. Decide what your limits are. . .
9. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. Remember the goal of boundaries: love coming out of freedom. . .  

Beware!  Dr. Cloud warns that it’s likely an “angry cloud” may follow new boundary setting.  This happens “when people begin telling the truth, setting limits and taking responsibility.”  Lovely. Thank goodness it doesn’t last!

There are clues that boundaries test me; I see symptoms crop up – symptoms I don’t want showing up in my life: resentment, anger, frustration; melancholy.  Logically I see the value of setting and keeping boundaries.  Emotionally I freeze.  I did ask for the willingness and courage to hear the message.  Now I need the willingness and courage to apply the learning.

My lifetime of coping mechanisms are pretty entrenched.  It will take effort and tenacity to change.  I detest confrontation – run like hell from arguments.  When I can’t run, I appear cold or absent.  Standing firm and withstanding my need to shut down, run away or strike out isn’t something I can do alone.  I’m not bullet-proof.  Changing could mean loss.  Changing will be uncomfortable.  But now that I know about this need, changing is my only choice.

A bright spot – because of the super safe space I have at work with my friend and boss, I’ve started to set boundaries on the job.  Not done without discomfort, not done overnight.  As I walked into the building one beautiful day last week I thought – “I am so grateful.  I’m lucky to work here.”  This is new – as I’d been grumbling and griping a lot lately (anger cloud?).  Can it be that by applying a few simple boundaries, blowing off the dust of resentment, I can find a way to serve my Company – and do it in a way that generates gratitude?

This gives me hope – hope that I can apply boundaries in other areas of my life that are a bit more personal.  Hope that the service I give and gratitude I’ll reap in these areas will make it all worthwhile. 

“Relationships have a way of rubbing our noses in the slime of life – an experience we would rather forego, but one that offers an important exposure to our own depth.  – Thomas Moore, Soul Mates