Marjorie

Traditions and customs thread the fabric of our communities and family life making it tricky to suss out substance from stereotypes. Urban myths and stories told in schools, religious organizations, through corporate marketing and social media perpetuate yesterday into today. Escaping messages about who and what we “ought” to be is unlikely. And change is hard.

For an independent, rebellious sort of female, fitting into a society shaped by men, for men is awkward. Don’t like to cook? Ahem. Want a rewarding career? Follow the formula. May require I cut off bits of myself to fit that mold; if I want the good stuff anyway. How about a family? There’s a formula for that too. Danger, Will Robinson!

Women could vote when I was born – by about four decades. Alas, they weren’t legally entitled to have a credit card in their name until 1974. I was a teenager. The gender pay gap was between 60% and 75% all my working life. Considerable impact on my lifetime earning potential. Today it’s still not at parity.

Freedom of movement, health and education for women did improve for my generation. I was 14 when abortion was made legal – granting me the basic right to choose for myself. Hmm . . appears we’re regressing.

Despite the progress, the ERA stalled and died. Subtle methods of indoctrination linger that maintain the patriarchy.

Untangling ingrained habits and beliefs in my own psyche is a journey. A twisty, circuitous road, full of dead ends and loop backs. Changing behavior is uncomfortable and takes time. Takes willingness to let go. Willingness to be different. And an awareness that something is off.

Abraham Hicks tells me I can be ready to be ready to be ready for awakening. Martha Beck reminds me that change happens best in 1-degree turns.

Today I’ll open my eyes and take one step in the direction I want to go. I change, the world changes.

“That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

October 27, 2022October 27, 2022

Ouch – Didn’t See That Coming!

Almost everyone gets their buttons pushed on occasion. After all, we live in this world and are a product of cultural conditioning. It’s natural to react when our sense of self gets poked. How I meet that moment is what’s important.

There’s a hierarchy to my emotional triggers. Some I’ve danced with for years and are like an old pair of jeans. They don’t knock me down; I can breathe, take a pause and move forward pretty quickly.

Some are rougher; familiar but dark and deeply embedded in my psyche. Still, after decades of practice I can visit my support toolkit and move past the “fight, flight, freeze” reaction.

Then there’s the blindside. Can’t prepare for it. I don’t know what I don’t know.

But I’m hella ready to go there. After I pick myself up off the pavement.

Making conscious what’s buried in my subconscious is a process. Like the onion analogy, each layer takes me closer to my true self; one memory at time. Sometimes the themes are similar, but with a nuance that tests my mettle. Grit is required.

Carrying old wounds is a heavy burden. When I avoid them, they show up as depression and despair. Use the blindside . . . walk through the Kubler-Ross grief cycle.

When I don’t own my resentment and suffering, I bounce around the grief cycle and never achieve acceptance. Fixating on someone else’s side of the street, denying my part, feeds bitterness. If I want to move on, I must do the work.

These two TikTok’s by Inna Aizenshtein are informative on how to see, own and release what triggers me:

@inna_aizenshtein
😔 “I want to stop being triggered by others” ☹️ “Why can’t I respond differently? I am better than this!” 😣 “I want to change my compulsive behaviors but willpower isn’t working” 🚫 Here is why willpower doesn’t work when you are responding to a trigger, or even to a deeply engrained habitual behavior: ⛑ So long as your reaction is reflexive, it is a subconscious protective response. It cannot be changed. ✨ If that feels disempowering, there’s a lot you can do! Here’s how: 🌱 Re-process the entire event through the lens of learning and growth. If you can attach a positive association (learning + growth) to your negative experience, and especially if you can begin to take aligned action based on that positive association, you will naturally rewrite the emotional charge that experience has on you. 💛 The less residual negative charge this past experience holds, the less your subconscious mind will try to reflexively protect you (in a way you may not like). Ultimately, this will help you create more space to pause in the moments following a used-to-be trigger, and respond in exactly the way you’d like to! (Part 1 of 2) 📝 In the next video, I share questions you can ask yourself to reframe the challenge in a positive light. You can work through this process alone, with a friend, or your therapist. #willpower #nowillpower #compulsivebehaviors #triggered #triggers #copingstrategies #copingmechanism #CBT #PTSD #pasttrauma #howtoheal #howtocope #healingjourney #subconscious #subconsciousmind #reflex #journaling #journalingquestions #alignedactions
♬ Inspirational Cinematic Piano – MMaxmusic

@inna_aizenshtein
Replying to @luxecakesbyelina 🤬➡️😌 Want to change how you react to triggers? ⛑ A reflex response happens before you become aware of it, so stop relying on your willpower. Here’s what you can do: 🤓 Attach a positive association to your negative experience (by reframing the entire event as an opportunity for learning + growth). The sooner you begin to take aligned action based on that positive association, the faster you will naturally rewrite the emotional charge that experience has on your subconscious mind. 📝 Here are some questions you can ask yourself to reframe the challenging situation in a positive light. You can work through this process alone, with a friend, or your therapist. 💛 The less residual negative charge this past experience holds, the less your subconscious mind will try to reflexively protect you (in a way you may not like). Ultimately, this will help you create more space to pause in the moments following a used-to-be trigger, and respond in exactly the way you’d like to! (Part 2 of 2) #triggered #healingjourney #subconsciousmind #tbm
♬ Inspirational Cinematic Piano – MMaxmusic

Appreciate the lesson.

“It might be possible that ‘triggered’ may not be the most helpful word … For me, there is a felt sense of violence in this word, while ‘touched and awakened’ more accurately describes what happens to these sequestered neural nets.

This gentler wording helps us cultivate a sense of meeting the experience every time we are so ‘touched’ with an appreciation for what it might be offering.” ― Bonnie Badenoch, The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships

October 20, 2022October 20, 2022

Be Happy on the Way to Happy

Thank you, Viola Davis for this Jenifer Lewis short:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/NssMUUDZs_4

As Ms. Davis says in her Instagram post . . . these powerful words are a gift. An inspiring, motivating gift. For me it’s her call to be happy now that most registers.

“You gotta be happy on your way to happy; don’t think you’re going to get there and be happy; you carry yourself with you.”

Going through life sad, mad or melancholy isn’t necessary. Not when there are so many things that bring pleasure and lift me up. Why be consumed or fixated on contrary thoughts and positions?

Everything has its season. Yes. This is life after all.

Choosing how I think and perceive the world is a habit. When I encourage happy thoughts, the joy in life unique and distinctive to me grows. Like a muscle it gets stronger with use.

Today, let me wake up and find delight, enjoyment and pleasure; and choose to meet myself.

“If you’ve got nothing to dance about, find a reason to sing.”
― Melody Carstairs

October 13, 2022October 13, 2022

You Say I Only Hear What I Want To – Interesting

Saturday, I hiked in the North Georgia Mountains; on a beautiful day visiting a favorite cascading waterfall.

The trail is quite strenuous. And after Hurricane Zeta took out two bridges, it’s wicked. While the park re-opened after two years, repairs are still underway. Greetings dubious creek crossings and embankment climbing.

It was glorious.

That evening and next day I felt it. My body was having a conversation with me.

When people remind me to: “listen to your body” – I’m there! Yeah baby! No brainer. But do I? Do I really listen?

I “hear” my body – but maybe I only hear what I want to. Perhaps I don’t “listen” hard.

Goals, desires and ambitions carry me beyond my boundaries now and again. Not a bad thing. There’s little growth without pushing the envelope. But it’s good to listen to stiff muscles and creaky bones.

In Psychology Today, Kristen Fuller, M.D. explains the difference between simply hearing and actually listening (July 8, 2021):

“Listening is an active process, whereas hearing is a passive process
Listening requires paying attention, whereas hearing requires no concentration or attention skills
Listening requires empathy, curiosity, and motivation, whereas hearing is associated with being disconnected”

Actively pay attention, be compassionate and heed my aches and pains. This week I attend to rest, relaxation and restorative yoga. Taking a time out is me being generous and gentle to me.

“Resting and relaxing is as important as going out there and making it happen.” ― Hiral Nagda

October 6, 2022October 6, 2022

Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Back in the day, my fancy for a neat and tidy calendar put a period on using pens. The flexibility I get penciling in my plans allows my neatnik bias.

Turns out this flexibility also recognizes the capricious nature of life. As Robert Burns expressed in his poem, the “best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men, oft go astray.”

Life happens and tomorrow isn’t promised. Sometimes a hard lesson to learn.

Discovering the secret on how to “roll with it” is surprisingly liberating. Instead of rigidly clutching a tradition, habit or belief, I can let it go; un-clench. Release the need to be perfect or proper. It’s healing and freeing just being me.

As Steve Winwood says – “Hang in and do that sweet thing you do.”

“The mental flexibility of the wise man permits him to keep an open mind and enables him to readjust himself whenever it becomes necessary for a change.”
— Malcolm X