Dr. Joe Dispenza (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself) says our personalities are set by the time we hit our 30s and 40s. We’ve adapted to our environment, honed our coping skills; know how to avoid our hot buttons, often without a conscious thought. Welcome to your life – over and over and over again. If I want a different reality, a different future – I must become a different person. It’s hard to see this repetitive re-living. It’s hard because it’s unconscious. By midlife though, something doesn’t feel right – we’re uncomfortable, unsettled – no longer willing to keep up the pretense that we’re happy.
Who the hell wants to look at the why? Looking hurts, it can be embarrassing, shameful, devastating. Those coping mechanisms were erected for good reasons. So we bury the pain, those feelings; find ways to distract ourselves with TV, technology, gossip; anything to “feel better or different” – and escape!
“This is the midlife crisis that most people know about. Some try really hard to make buried feelings stay buried by diving further into their external world. They buy the new sports car (thing); others lease the boat (another thing). Some go on a long vacation (place). Yet others join the new social club to meet new contacts or make new friends (people). Some get plastic surgery (body). Many completely redecorate or remodel their homes (acquire things and experience a new environment).
If I want a life worth living – a life of purpose, of meaning; full of love, joy, peace – how the hell can I avoid looking at the why? According to Dispenza the people who don’t bury their feelings:
“..ask some big questions: Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Where am I going? Who am I doing all of this for? What is God? Where do I go when I die? Is there more to life than “success”? What is happiness? What does all this mean? What is love? Do I love myself? Do I love anyone else? And the soul begins to wake up . . . . “
“Instead of buying a bigger TV or the latest smart phone, these people stop running from the feelings that they’ve been trying to make go away for so long, face it head-on, and intently look at it. When this happens, the individual begins to wake up. After some self-reflection, she discovers who she really is, what she has been hiding, and what no longer is working for her. So she lets go of the façade, the games, and the illusions. She is honest about who she really is, at all costs, and she is not afraid to lose it all. This person stops expending the energy she had been putting into keeping an illusory image intact.
Sometimes honesty comes with a price. Our people are invested in who we are – it feeds their own illusion of who they are. The may say “I liked you better the other way.” When they see us change we may make them uncomfortable. The emotional bond that keep us tight will scream for us to STOP … don’t change; stay the same illusion we were; even if it kills us.
Can I really say: “You know what? It doesn’t matter if I don’t make you happy any longer. I’m through obsessing about how I look or what other people think about me. I am finished living for everyone else. I want to be free from these chains.”
It’s a lot to ask. A lot to ask of me – to let go of my old life, my work, my friends to be true to myself. It is also a lot to ask of my tribe – to let go of the “me” that they know, but which I am not. The alternative is to continue to sleep .. is that really an option?
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“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell
