Was going about the business of being me this week – being the “business me” on a conference call; just saying what I needed to say, saying what I wanted to say. No biggie. Turns out this one guy really didn’t like how I showed up – and challenged what I said, how I said it – told me all about it. Hmmm: totally surprised me. It actually wasn’t what I said, or meant, which was a bit confusing. Anyway, told the guy – profusely – sorry about what he heard; don’t recall saying what he heard – sure don’t disrespect his knowledge of his business. He pushed hard and told me someone “pinged him” on chat “WOW” about my comments, basically validating that he was right and I was wrong. Again: profusely – sorry about what they both heard; don’t recall saying it (Am I crazy?); sure don’t disrespect his knowledge of his business. I don’t think he liked my apology; I didn’t validate his point-of-view or that of his witness; but he grudgingly accepted that I don’t disrespect his knowledge of his business.
Checked in with my boss, who I totally respect and admire. Turns out she admitted that she “cringed” at my tone and wondered if I knew the guy was on the call. What? (Now I really must be crazy!) I was being me – said what I thought – no disrespect for anyone – wasn’t pissed – wasn’t in a bad mood. What?
How can I be me and not be swayed by other people’s reality, but consider feedback? How can I do that? After serious reflection and meditation on my motives, I know I meant no disrespect, have no recollection that my “tone” was in any way out of the ordinary. I was just being me. I am not crazy.
NOW: how do I not want to change me and mold myself to be more pleasing and acceptable to others? Do I throw “me” out for approval and to fit in? So uncomfortable. Just being me, speaking my truth. I feel okay to apologize for the guy hearing something I didn’t intend. But what he heard was about him, not me. So much harder to hear someone I respect and care about see me in a negative way; but that is about her, not me.
Being willing to be me even when no one “gets me” is hard. Of course I want to be accepted and liked. So uncomfortable to not accept that “I must be crazy (wrong) .. whatever” in the face of the response I got – way uncomfortable. I want to be me. I want to be me no matter what. The “no matter what” may be lack of understanding, no acceptance, people I love insisting I am wrong, my desire to be loved and wanted edging me to give “me” up. This life ain’t for sissies!
