When I encounter those who would tear me down and point out how I fall short of their ideal, you remind me. You remind me to ignore the naysayers. You remind me to stand tall in my convictions and aspirations – to keep moving forward.
One thing that boosts my nerve to face the inevitable critics is the backing of kindred spirits.
Taking big risks to meet eccentric objectives is a habit I made early. The first few were reckless and impulsive. Without serendipity there for me things coulda gone sideways fast. Encountering a supportive, caring posse saved my ass, most of the time.
Subsequent leaps off the cliff were a bit more calculated. Now I apply the lessons learned; nurture a mutual, committed support system. And tuck away a tentative Plan B.
My community balances the critics. Everyone has an opinion. Listening to my personal board of directors helps me evaluate the contradictions. And yet, it is my peculiar insight that has the final say.
Ms. Nichols says, “other people’s perception of you ain’t none of your business.”
Traditions and customs thread the fabric of our communities and family life making it tricky to suss out substance from stereotypes. Urban myths and stories told in schools, religious organizations, through corporate marketing and social media perpetuate yesterday into today. Escaping messages about who and what we “ought” to be is unlikely. And change is hard.
For an independent, rebellious sort of female, fitting into a society shaped by men, for men is awkward. Don’t like to cook? Ahem. Want a rewarding career? Follow the formula. May require I cut off bits of myself to fit that mold; if I want the good stuff anyway. How about a family? There’s a formula for that too. Danger, Will Robinson!
Women could vote when I was born – by about four decades. Alas, they weren’t legally entitled to have a credit card in their name until 1974. I was a teenager. The gender pay gap was between 60% and 75% all my working life. Considerable impact on my lifetime earning potential. Today it’s still not at parity.
Freedom of movement, health and education for women did improve for my generation. I was 14 when abortion was made legal – granting me the basic right to choose for myself. Hmm . . appears we’re regressing.
Despite the progress, the ERA stalled and died. Subtle methods of indoctrination linger that maintain the patriarchy.
Untangling ingrained habits and beliefs in my own psyche is a journey. A twisty, circuitous road, full of dead ends and loop backs. Changing behavior is uncomfortable and takes time. Takes willingness to let go. Willingness to be different. And an awareness that something is off.
Abraham Hicks tells me I can be ready to be ready to be ready for awakening. Martha Beck reminds me that change happens best in 1-degree turns.
Today I’ll open my eyes and take one step in the direction I want to go. I change, the world changes.
“That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Italian writer Dante Alighieri’s Inferno awards the ninth and grimmest circle of hell for those guilty of treachery. A place “reserved for traitors, betrayers and oathbreakers.”
This punishment may feel appropriate when the offender is someone else. But beware throwing stones in a glass house. Who is without an ounce of deceit? Or possess baggage with no broken promises or vows? And what about the pledges I make to myself? Do they count as betrayal?
In her book The Way of Integrity, Martha Beck offers a framework to achieve a life of personal integrity. Tapping into Dante’s passage undertaken in the Divine Comedy, she invites us on a journey to discover our true self. Then she encourages us to live that life.
Simple – but not easy; right up my ally. There’s always something new to learn.
As I progressed, completing each exercise, applying the techniques to get to my truth, I had several “AHA” moments.
The ONE PRACTICE Martha recommends to end suffering and be happy, is – STOP LYING. But be responsible, especially if life dynamics are dangerous.
“Don’t go public immediately. Just notice for yourself, where, why, and to whom you lie. . . But stop lying to yourself.”
“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky
Martha presents three kinds of lies to consider:
Black lies: Deliberate, premeditated deception
White lies: The social contract leads to social fibs
Gray Lies: The fudge factor . . . that “preserves our concept of ourselves”
Black lies are the most obvious, egregious and isolating. White lies may seem harmless but could hide some unconscious self-deception. The Gray lies are found in the stories I tell myself when I’m hiding and may be the source of denial or projection. And watch for moments when silence feels like a lie.
“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.”
― Yevgeny Yevtushenko
There are consequences when we change our behavior and Martha cautions:
“Here’s the rub: if you stop lying, you’ll eventually, inevitably violate the rules of a culture that matters to you.”
Walk gently into this new frame of reference. Allow myself to mourn the release of that inauthentic self. Be prepared for push back. But take that first and hardest step and stop lying to myself. Experience the freedom to live an uncommon paradigm.
Maria Scrivan
I stand on the precipice of paradise, having traveled two-thirds through the Comedy with Martha. She titles this chapter “Into the Mystery.” Anticipation, delight and curiosity are before me.
“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”
It’s not about where I am, but the distance I traveled to get here. What I learn along the way is the gift.
Yet our society asks us to rank ourselves against neighbors, co-workers, family and friends regardless of the grace or handicap we’re bestowed at birth. This habit of behavior creates needless suffering.
If I meet someone at some point in time somewhere in space, after spending decades and significant effort getting there; while they were born in a situation nearby – how similar are we?
It’s likely our prospects, temperaments and worldviews are different. Proximity isn’t always related to affinity. Still, we’re on the same path now – that’s not an accident. The tenant “like attracts like” is an explanation, a warning or a promise depending on how you look at it.
There’s a poem by an unknown author that suggests people show up in our lives for a “Reason, Season or Lifetime.” Law of attraction brought us together; the why is ours to discover. What starts out as a helping hand or guidance and comfort during a tough time can mature into a lifelong friendship. Seasonal relationships provide camaraderie and fellowship in the many communities we reside. Those lifetime bonds – they’re pure gold.
The company I find along my path bring vibrancy and depth to my experience. When I listen to my intuition and use my imagination to invent tomorrow; the company that coincidence delivers to my door will surely delight and surprise me.
My path is unique. The people I meet along the way are an instrument of enlightenment, comparison is not required.
“Stop thinking you’re doing it all wrong. Your path doesn’t look like anybody else’s because it can’t, it shouldn’t, and it won’t.” – Eleanor Brownn
My music playlist includes a version of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” . . . it starts with “Get the f*** off of the fence!” Delightful motivation – or a subconscious nudge to commit? Discovering the deep roots to walk an ordinary road, despite a lifetime of rebellious conduct is eye opening. Habits are planted and ingrained in us through culture, generation and the traditions we’re born to.
My personal nemeses include: “Don’t rock the boat. “Don’t upset the apple cart.” “Be a lady and don’t make a fuss.” “Smile and be nice.”
Shouldn’t some boats be rocked, and rotten apples tossed? There are certainly situations ripe for a ruckus. And who walks around constantly smiling?
Rebellion is a recurring theme of mine. In the corporate world testing showed two of my leadership derailers were being “mischievous” and “melodramatic.” My derailers. I was quite proud of that.
Still, I was indoctrinated to play my part. To be other than what is normal and customary is risky and threatening. It’s uncomfortable to go against convention – and yet hellaciously pedestrian; a tedious walk between birth and death. When I’m bored I rebel, then pull back when things get edgy. This is life by trial and error; thought-provoking, but likely inefficient and cockeyed.
Being radical brings conflict which isn’t necessary. And when I don’t look deep enough any good in that tossed apple is lost. It’s possible to be quietly unorthodox and bring about change. Even discreet unconventional acts can influence my surroundings, where playing the chameleon may perpetuate the status quo.
When I use my imagination, I create different and specific realities. This is a new approach for me. Using concepts from the work of Neville Goddard motivated me to try. It’s fun – not at all difficult. Trusting that it works is the challenge. By starting small, I use each success to move on to bigger, more entrenched beliefs that can use an overhaul.
When I tap into my desires and aspirations a window opens to show me what I’m missing, revealing a sense of lack. Visualizing the desire fulfilled from my mind’s eye – feeling the pleasure, my longing evaporates. By accepting that my world mirrors my self-concept, my mind and my beliefs, when I don’t like what I see, I can change it.
Getting off that fence to live an authentic life without apology is a decision and a discipline. Seeing beyond what is, invents my best life. My playlist is here to remind me.
“There is no fiction. Imagine better than the best you know.” ― Neville Goddard; The Law and the Promise
