The committee in my head seized, and held me hostage last weekend. Great, I said to myself! Here’s an opportunity to practice the techniques I’m learning. I breathed in, breathed out. I noticed my reactions; leaned into the pain; leaned HARD into the pain. Felt the poison; asked the crazies to sit on my lap; gave them a psychic hug. Breathed in, breathed out again! BAM – Not happening. The flippin’ storyline would not be dropped.
It was frustrating and I was totally annoyed at myself; finally made it through the day.
In her book When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron says our reactions are “usually habitual” – and we should “see the next impulse come up, and how we spin off from there.” Whichever way we spin isn’t good or bad – we just need to “simply see . . . without judgment or the intention to clean up our act.”
After running away and judging myself, vowing to clean up my act could possibly be my next favorite pastime. A crew of folk taught me to keep my side of the street clean; promptly admitting when I’m wrong. Do I admit to “wrong” to push my discomfort away? Or am I really wrong? Do I impose a “wrongness” penance because of my harsh self-judgments?
Can I allow myself to simply sit in my discomfort? Just sit in it and feel it? No blame; no self-justification. Ugh. Pema says it will pass. Breathe in, breathe out-repeat. How long will this shit take? Oh! Till I get it – GOT IT!
Breathe in, breath out. Repeat.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
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