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Belonging, Being Vulnerable and Gratitude

When life is good it’s likely the result of effort, gratitude and heartfelt connections. Self-acceptance is a big hurdle. Being vulnerable and showing the world who I am when I’m pressed to simply fit in, is another.

Reading Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, is thought provoking. Her definition around the emotions of belonging, fitting in and connecting absolutely resonate.

She explains connection as:

“.. the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

“This is why our experiences of disconnection are so painful…”

Authenticity is basic to experience belonging. And scary as hell. Conformity fosters acceptance – being different can withhold it. But open my heart I must, and trust that the Universe will deliver a supportive community.

In her chapter Places We Go When Life Is Good, Brené reveals the significance of gratitude and appreciation. She says:

“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives and makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

While having an “attitude of gratitude” is important, she explains that it’s more than that: “an attitude is a way of thinking; a practice is a way of doing, trying, failing, and trying again.”

Practice.

According to her research, those who practice gratitude create a capacity for joy.

I’m reminded of a beautiful soul who tended my cousin at the end of her life. We met and connected at my cousin’s memorial. She generously shares her life, the blessings and the challenges. I’m always struck by her appreciation and gratitude for all life; and the beauty she sees and brings to the world. It’s aspirational.

When I spend more time in the feeling of appreciation, I create a future ripe for joy. That’s where I choose to set my sights.

Today I will appreciate this beautiful short by Iniko. It’s a performance that moves, delights and inspires me to joyfulness.

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ― Voltaire

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It’s All Flux – Honor the Face of Uncertainty

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” ― Heraclitus

The setting is different. I am different. Honor it.

As I’m touched by time and events, accepting this truth is necessary. Heraclitus asserts that we live in constant flux. That this persistent movement “is integral to the identity” of all things. “Elements change, people change, and most importantly life does.”

The Polymath’s Paradise

Change is “a miracle of circumstance,” – “perpetual renewal.”

When I embrace each moment as unique and precious, I can appreciate its transitory nature. This time won’t come again; treasure it.

Acknowledging that change is “not a destructive force, but rather a unifying force” helps me brave those “teaching” moments, knowing they too shall pass.

Live this moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Live now – honor the face of the uncertainty.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

― Lao Tzu
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The Big Accomplishment – A Gift I Can Decline

Seth Godin says that sunk costs are “a gift from your former self”. . and . . “the question is, do you have to accept that gift?”

crappypictures.com

Maybe yes, maybe no. Some sunk costs propel me forward in a good way. Others are an anchor holding me down. Only I can know how sunk costs impact my life. The time, effort and money to pursue an education, a profession or a relationship is worth it only if I’m better for it emotionally.

Seth says that “our ability to rationalize sunk cost is really spectacular.” How hard or easy it is to tell other people that we’re “ignoring sunk costs” – influences what we think of ourselves.

What other people think . . .

So yeah; stay in that profession that cost a small fortune to achieve; so what if I’m miserable. Don’t move, don’t leave, don’t give up that childhood dream – it took SO much to get here. And this is who I am.

But it’s not.

Every day I get to decide who I am.

Is that easy? No – But it’s possible, and sometimes that’s enough.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”

― Ann Landers
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Live and Thrive in An Ambiguous World

Living and thriving with ambiguity is a balancing act. Having a plan is good. Rigid insistence it play out perfectly is not.

Leon Seltzer, Ph.D. says that “certainties in life are scarce, almost non-existent.” In the Psychology Today article, How Well Do You Deal With Ambiguity? he encourages action.

“Deciding to pursue what’s presently indeterminable takes guts.” When we don’t act, we may lose “opportunities to accomplish what’s vital to us.” Indecision or worry over obstacles can short circuit dreams. Not choosing is choosing.

Still, anxiety about a situation might push me to move too quickly. Goodbye frying pan, hello fire. When I give myself space to consider what I really want; or don’t want, I can choose what’s best for me.

Some people have a higher tolerance for uncertainty than others.

The “Need for Closure Scale” developed by Arie W. Kruglanski (University of Maryland), is a useful tool. It highlights where I fall on the need-to-know meter; what makes me relaxed or dissatisfied. It points out why and how I may take risks.

Need for Closure Scale. Can you Tolerate Uncertainty – 47 Questions & Scoring to determine (HTML)

My results didn’t surprise me. I’m undeniably above average in the gotta know department. Yet reasonably tolerant to mystery and shadows. Definitely a situational thang.

While reliability over chaos is preferable, too much predictability is boring. Having structure in my life helps me accomplish my goals. But time off is necessary or interest fades and I get restless.

Developing tolerance for ambiguity frees me to live life on life’s terms. To trust the process.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

— Gilda Radner
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I Love Words – They Are Delicious

As someone who loves words and their subtle nuances and layers, Brené Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart” is especially delicious. She examines emotions and experiences, and the words we use to define them. How we make meaning. She says:

“.. the ability to name this emotion or experience is essential to being able to process it in a productive and healing manner.”

The 87 words she highlights and categorizes are organized based on her research. Groupings are determined by how words “.. relate and compare to one another.” That reflect “our lived experiences.”

Hope

Chapter Six struck a chord. Hope is an upbeat word for me. How could it be tucked in with the chapter on “Places We Go When We’re Hurting – Anguish, Hopelessness, Despair, Sadness, Grief?” Ms. Brown says “Hope is a function of struggle – we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort.” Hope is not an emotion.

“We experience hope when:

  1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I Know where I want to go).
  2. We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try new paths again and again).
  3. We have agency – we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”

“We need hope like we need air.”

A myriad of distractions the past 7 years did a number on some of my cherished goals. Unsettling political times, a global pandemic and a couple relocations took their toll. Left me questioning where I want to go and how to get there. Can I even do it?

Brené says that “hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible.” She also says it’s a learned habit.

So … Tested? Check. Possible? Likely. Good to know.

Hopelessness and Despair

While both are emotions, they aren’t the same thing. They’re equally hard, but the distinctions are notable.

“Hopelessness stems from not being able to set realistic goals (we don’t know what we want), and even if we can identify realistic goals, we can’t figure out how to achieve them. If we attempt to achieve the goals, we give up when we fail, we can’t tolerate disappointment, and we can’t reset. Last, we don’t believe in ourselves or our ability to achieve what we want.”

“Despair is a sense of hopelessness about a person’s entire life and future. When extreme hopelessness seeps into all the corners of our lives and combines with extreme sadness, we feel despair.”

Brené goes on to say:

“I once heard theologian Rob Bell define despair as “the belief that tomorrow will be just like today.” When we are in struggle and/or experiencing pain, despair—that belief that there is no end to what we’re experiencing—is a desperate and claustrophobic feeling. We can’t figure a way out of or through the struggle and the suffering.”

The permanence built into believing tomorrow won’t be better is tragic. This is where the habit of resilience comes in handy.

Re-evaluating my goals and sitting in ambiguity is different than hopelessness. My long-time habit of seeing the glass as half full is a strength, a touchstone. No doubt this period of time was a trial. My gratitude for cultivating a hopeful perspective is immeasurable. Knowing the distinctions in my situation carried me to a better place.

“I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.” ― Frida Kahlo

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