Living The Emerson Rule

“I learned a lot observing my frustration and judgment, sitting with my anger, feeling the force of my rage.” – Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

When we “become intimate with our frustration, anger, and blame,” Jack Kornfield says we learn the difference between reacting and responding.  The Buddha says:

“There is gain and loss, slander and honor, praise and blame, pleasure and pain; the awakened ones are not controlled by these external things; they will cease as quickly as they arise.  If others speak against you, do not be angry, for that will prevent your own inner freedom.  Learn to bear their harsh words patiently until they cease.”

“Learn to bear their harsh words patiently until they cease.”

Whew!  A lot to ask.  Is it too much?  Kornfield doesn’t suggest I put myself in harm’s way; that I shouldn’t respond – or even leave if the situation calls for it.  This is about inner dialog.  How I take in what’s dished out.  If I let that junk slide off instead of sink in – I suffer less.

Sometimes it feels like the Universe delights in bringing people and situations that push my every last button.  As long as I choose to hold those buttons tight … someone will surely see ‘em and push ‘em.

The idea of using “the practice of non-contentiousness” – “Stopping the War” appeals to me.  Practice is the key.  Practice and a bit of courage. Kornfield reminds us that Mahatma Gandhi said, “Non-violence requires more courage than violence.”

Pema Chodron opened my eyes to the concept of being a warrior Bodhisattva – take in those disturbing emotions and send out what’s needed; with love.

Being liberated from anger, frustration and suffering of my own making – just might keep me in my seat when the discomfort would take me to the floor. Could a magical alchemy brewing?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.” – William Blake

“Each of us has our own measure of pain.  Sometimes the pain we suffer is great and obvious; sometimes it is subtle. . . . To survive we have to cover our heart, build up a layer of clay, and defend ourselves.  We lose the belief that we are worthy of love.  

“The mystic Simone Weil tells us,

“The danger is not that the soul should doubt whether there is any bread, but that, by a lie, it should persuade itself that it is not hungry.”

“Compassion reminds us that we do belong, as surely as we have been lost.

“The courageous heart is the one that is unafraid to open to the world.”

– Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

The Lie:  “.. persuade itself that it is not hungry.”   

Why do we do that?  It isn’t easier to say I don’t want something when I do want it.  The wanting doesn’t go away, it just goes underground.  Then shows up in the most inconvenient ways … a sarcastic jibe; compulsive devouring of a second, third, fourth cookie; mindless web surfing, another hand of solitaire.

No, the danger isn’t in the rejection, the loss.  The danger is when I deny I want what I want – that thing that rejected me; what I lost.  Regardless of the circumstance . . . I am worthy; I’m worthy of attention, love, compassion – from others, from myself.  I belong.  Being courageous isn’t just facing fears and acting anyway (although that’s a good one!) – It’s admitting I’m vulnerable and showing it.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“See it to be a lie, and you have already dealt it its mortal blow.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“To manage difficult situations, fortunately we have an energy as powerful as that of anger, but this time it is controllable, as it comes from anger’s most effective antidotes: kindness, patience, and reason. 

“The moderation that these qualities engender is often interpreted as a sign of weakness.  Personally, I think it is true inner strength.  Compassion is certainly benevolent and peaceful by nature, but it gives great power, while those who easily lose patience are unstable and not sure of themselves.  I think it is giving vent to anger that is a clear sign of weakness.

– The Fourteenth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso

In the chapter on altruistic love and compassion (On the Path to Enlightenment), Matthieu Ricard shares the heart of Buddhist practice.  Again, I’m being schooled in bodhichitta; the spontaneous wish for enlightenment through compassion for others.

Kindness, patience and reason.   

So many people are mad these days.  Maybe they always were, but the volume is going up – and the mean spirited venom is being cut loose.  Can I be kind, patient and reasonable in the face of this anger?  Can I be anything other than these things if I want to create a different tone in the world – or at least my immediate world?

The Dalai Lama is right, these qualities are often mocked and called weaknesses.  Yet:

“To eliminate the destructive potential of anger and hatred, we must understand that they are rooted in the pursuit of our own well-being to the detriment of others. This selfishness is not only the source of anger; it is also the root cause of all our troubles.”

We all want to be happy and not to suffer.

Wishing others happiness and the end of suffering above myself is uncomfortable. It’s definitely NOT the way folks in my neck of the woods were brought up.  To wish happiness for those I see as my enemy, or who treat me badly? – HA!  Invitation or challenge?

Kindness, patience and reason.  Okay – I’ll give it a go; see where it takes me.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” – Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

How hard it is to step outside my social network. Am I brave enough to “say what I need to say?” (mmm … thank you John Mayer).  What if …

I’m rejected?

Reviled?

Made fun of?

Is that worse than pretending to be what I’m not?

What if I no longer want to “fit in” and quietly effect change?  What if I want to MAKE NOISE!  “Make a ruckus!” (Yes! … thank you Seth Godin).

Still, I’m scared.

I’m a chicken shit.

It’s so comfortable to be quiet and wrapped in my blanket of social acceptance.  If I speak up I could be stripped naked and left shivering.

In his book Persuadable; How Great Leaders Change Their Minds to Change the World, Al Pittampalli references Malcolm Gladwell’s Tipping Point.  Social change starts with “innovators” – the ones who have “a very high risk tolerance.”  They’re followed by “early adopters” with “a relatively high risk tolerance.”  The “early majority” … “are less visionary and more practical” with a “far lower risk tolerance.”   Then come the “late majority” with “an even lower risk tolerance,” and finally the “laggards” who are often “actively avoidant of new ideas.”  Pittamapalli points out a “Catch-22” … a “chasm” between the “early adopters” and the “early majority.”  The early majority have a dilemma. They need “a reference” point – one of their peers to step up first before they take the leap.  If one person steps up they can be a champion and “help an innovation cross the chasm” by being a reference to their peers.

What stops this “early majority champion?”  CONFORMITY.

“… people retain a certain position in order to conform to the social norm, even if they believe the social norm is wrong.”

The famous “Asch conformity experiments” demonstrated that when fellow (pretend) participants “supported the wrong answer”

“Seventy-five percent of the participants conformed and gave the wrong answer at least once over 12 trials.  Participants were ‘going along to get along.’”  BUT …

“… when just one dissenting confederate was put inside the room, the likelihood of the participant conforming to the majority opinion diminished … they in fact … became four times more likely to dissent and give the correct answer.  All it took was one dissenter to … effectively give the person permission to defy the norm.”

WE … the scared, wannabe brave chickens can make a difference.  Maybe The difference.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Glee – Defying Gravity  (My introduction to this song – that continues to inspire me to defy my own personal gravity):

Defying Gravity – Wicked  (For the purists – truth and consequences):