Belonging, Being Vulnerable and Gratitude

When life is good it’s likely the result of effort, gratitude and heartfelt connections. Self-acceptance is a big hurdle. Being vulnerable and showing the world who I am when I’m pressed to simply fit in, is another.

Reading Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, is thought provoking. Her definition around the emotions of belonging, fitting in and connecting absolutely resonate.

She explains connection as:

“.. the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

“This is why our experiences of disconnection are so painful…”

Authenticity is basic to experience belonging. And scary as hell. Conformity fosters acceptance – being different can withhold it. But open my heart I must, and trust that the Universe will deliver a supportive community.

In her chapter Places We Go When Life Is Good, Brené reveals the significance of gratitude and appreciation. She says:

“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives and makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

While having an “attitude of gratitude” is important, she explains that it’s more than that: “an attitude is a way of thinking; a practice is a way of doing, trying, failing, and trying again.”

Practice.

According to her research, those who practice gratitude create a capacity for joy.

I’m reminded of a beautiful soul who tended my cousin at the end of her life. We met and connected at my cousin’s memorial. She generously shares her life, the blessings and the challenges. I’m always struck by her appreciation and gratitude for all life; and the beauty she sees and brings to the world. It’s aspirational.

When I spend more time in the feeling of appreciation, I create a future ripe for joy. That’s where I choose to set my sights.

Today I will appreciate this beautiful short by Iniko. It’s a performance that moves, delights and inspires me to joyfulness.


“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ― Voltaire

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It’s All Flux – Honor the Face of Uncertainty

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” ― Heraclitus

The setting is different. I am different. Honor it.

As I’m touched by time and events, accepting this truth is necessary. Heraclitus asserts that we live in constant flux. That this persistent movement “is integral to the identity” of all things. “Elements change, people change, and most importantly life does.”

The Polymath’s Paradise

Change is “a miracle of circumstance,” – “perpetual renewal.”

When I embrace each moment as unique and precious, I can appreciate its transitory nature. This time won’t come again; treasure it.

Acknowledging that change is “not a destructive force, but rather a unifying force” helps me brave those “teaching” moments, knowing they too shall pass.

Live this moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Live now – honor the face of the uncertainty.


“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

― Lao Tzu
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The Big Accomplishment – A Gift I Can Decline

Seth Godin says that sunk costs are “a gift from your former self”. . and . . “the question is, do you have to accept that gift?”

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Maybe yes, maybe no. Some sunk costs propel me forward in a good way. Others are an anchor holding me down. Only I can know how sunk costs impact my life. The time, effort and money to pursue an education, a profession or a relationship is worth it only if I’m better for it emotionally.

Seth says that “our ability to rationalize sunk cost is really spectacular.” How hard or easy it is to tell other people that we’re ignoring sunk costs – influences what we think of ourselves.

What other people think . . .

So yeah; stay in that profession that cost a small fortune to achieve; so what if I’m miserable. Don’t move, don’t leave, don’t give up that childhood dream – it took SO much to get here. And this is who I am.

But it’s not.

Every day I get to decide who I am.

Is that easy? No – But it’s possible, and sometimes that’s enough.


“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”

― Ann Landers
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Live and Thrive in An Ambiguous World

Living and thriving with ambiguity is a balancing act. Having a plan is good. Rigid insistence it play out perfectly is not.

Leon Seltzer, Ph.D. says that “certainties in life are scarce, almost non-existent.” In the Psychology Today article, How Well Do You Deal With Ambiguity? he encourages action.

“Deciding to pursue what’s presently indeterminable takes guts.” When we don’t act, we may lose “opportunities to accomplish what’s vital to us.” Indecision or worry over obstacles can short circuit dreams. Not choosing is choosing.

Still, anxiety about a situation might push me to move too quickly. Goodbye frying pan, hello fire. When I give myself space to consider what I really want; or don’t want, I can choose what’s best for me.

Some people have a higher tolerance for uncertainty than others.

The “Need for Closure Scale” developed by Arie W. Kruglanski (University of Maryland), is a useful tool. It highlights where I fall on the need-to-know meter; what makes me relaxed or dissatisfied. It points out why and how I may take risks.

Need for Closure Scale. Can you Tolerate Uncertainty – 47 Questions & Scoring to determine (HTML)

My results didn’t surprise me. I’m undeniably above average in the gotta know department. Yet reasonably tolerant to mystery and shadows. Definitely a situational thang.

While reliability over chaos is preferable, too much predictability is boring. Having structure in my life helps me accomplish my goals. But time off is necessary or interest fades and I get restless.

Developing tolerance for ambiguity frees me to live life on life’s terms. To trust the process.


“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

— Gilda Radner
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Embrace the Flaws – Feel the Love

Acknowledging the flaws that short circuit my serenity and growth is an act of self-love.

Defense Mechanisms

It’s hard to admit imperfections and shortcomings. Avoidance, denial and projection all conspire to block my progress and keep me stuck in the status quo. Finding support to fess up in today’s environment takes fortitude. Resolve, wherefore art thou?

Maybe I know what I know, but that stuff’s ghastly. So, look away.

Making the unconscious, conscious is unnerving. Denial keeps anxiety and distress at bay; nothing to see here.

If there IS something to see, it’s not me – it’s you.

In Psychology Today, Shahram Heshmat Ph.D. says these “defense mechanisms work by changing the way we feel or interpret a situation. But they do not change reality.” Ultimately, he says that the “price for this protection is the inability to develop resilience.”

Resilience

Life can be overwhelming when I deny, disparage, or push away parts of myself that I deem embarrassing or shameful. Kendra Cherry (What Is Resilience?) says “Instead of falling into despair or hiding from issues by using unhealthy coping strategies, resilient people face life’s difficulties head-on.”

Resilient people are survivors. Their feelings are in control, and they manage their emotions. They work through difficulties. Resilient people accept who they are and are kind to themselves. Recognizing “the importance of support” they know “when they need to ask for help.”

Resilience is a skill worth pursuing.

When I face life head-on, I own my rough edges and ugly moments. These cringy bits are common; everyone has them. They aren’t shocking, but understandable when I appreciate my story. Letting go of habits steeped in defense and sanctuary want a decision and discipline. Decisions aren’t possible without awareness. Change won’t come without self-acceptance.

Recently I found a letter I wrote as my Higher Self to my younger, judgy self. So gracious and loving. She reminded me that the choices I made carried me to where I am today. Each step gave me experience and wisdom. Today I’m laying groundwork for new insights and blessings. The journey continues; mistakes and disappointments are a given. When I love myself despite all that, miracles happen.


“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! Shout loud, ‘I am lucky to be what I am!’” – Dr. Seuss

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