When I consider the experience of life – and the opportunity to steward the one and only me through it, I have choices.
These choices include many things. There’s gratitude, awareness and potential. They allow my heart to cultivate encouraging and helpful experiences.
The flip side is unconstructive. Thanklessness colors the world with gloom and despair. Not a fun place to hang out.
When Lady Gaga penned her hit “Poker Face,” she alluded to bold and daring themes. This gambling allusion strikes me as spacious enough to encompass the incarnation of life.
This is the life I was dealt . . .
Check this hand; it’s marvelous!
Lady Gaga – Poker Face
“Gratitude, like faith, is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it grows, and the more power you have to use it on your behalf.” – Alan Cohen
Decades ago, mom gave me a T-shirt with the saying “So many books, so little time.” I still wear it, shabby and stained as it is. The sentiment reminds me of the abundance around me and to choose wisely – and of my mom. Our time allotment isn’t all that long. Spending it pursuing joy is important.
The Cycle of Life
Nature has its seasons, and life is cyclical. Last December during the winter solstice, I set an Intention for the coming year, including monthly check-ins at each new moon.
This week the second new moon of the year arrived – the Worm Moon. As I settled in for my promised monthly review, I was struck by how task oriented I am. Does this help me achieve my goal? Maybe.
My 2023 intention is to have “A Sense of Purpose.” This particular quest began knowing it’s an intangible and abstract proposition. Choosing where to put my time and energy is key. The three paths that called me were community, writing and self-care. They looked the most promising to deliver encounters with insight into the part I play in this life.
Being a singular person, self-care is vital. Prioritizing my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health gives me the stamina and inspiration to meet this mystery. My writing shows me what I know, what I don’t know – and the great chasm in between; not to mention as a door to be both brave and vulnerable. As part of a whole my community reflects where and who I am; offering direction and a foundation to grow.
I chose projects, experiences and encounters to pursue for each path. They are all delightful and motivating, and I eagerly jumped in.
Backroads; Wyoming
In month one I acknowledged, HA! my eyes are bigger than my stomach and the banquet needed to be refined. My appetite is big, but I moved a few bits to a back burner. Still, I did look at potential time sucks; were they obstacles or assists? I’m talking to you TikTok! This question is still under review.
Month two included low energy and lack of motivation. Instead of shaking my finger at myself, I stepped off the treadmill and rested. So, not every box will be checked on my March “want to do” list, but a big win for Emotional Health (woot woot).
This is an interesting journey I set myself on, and I’m eager for more.
“Each man’s life represents a road toward himself, an attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path… But each of us – experiments of the depths – strives toward his own destiny. We can understand one another; but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone.”
Its mind blowing, crazy how hard it is to let shit go. Knowing that this turbulence is baked into my neurobiology, helps me see on some level, that the struggle is partially organic.
This truth can be an excuse or a dare. Making a decision to reprogram my brain – or not; depends on my perceptions. This viewpoint is entangled with the same synaptic bugaboos plus an environmental luck of the draw. Granting myself grace on this journey helps me be patient with the process.
It’s tricky to know when I’m unconsciously holding onto some something. However, my situation – my body – my dreams send messages. Being open to hear the lesson, to make space for awareness so the unconscious becomes conscious is a gift to my spirit.
. . The subway door closed quickly after I slipped out, but before my companions could make it. They ran backwards to push the open button; I impulsively jabbed my hand into the gap to pop it open again. That didn’t work, and I watched as my hand was dragged away.
. . . and then I woke up. Dreams!
badcodec@tumblr.com
Dreams; are they messages from the unconscious? Do they have meaning? Maybe. I’m not one to naturally remember my dreams. This one was a random rare exception. Sharing it with a friend yielded the “let go or be dragged” mantra.
Missives that resonate deeply call for contemplation and reflection. Sometimes insight can be elusive.
When I don’t know but I want to; I reflect on the Serenity Prayer for direction.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Do I have any control over – whatever? No? Then acknowledgment and tolerance are appropriate. If yes, then what can I do to effect change? Guts and grit are helpful here.
Knowing the difference? – there’s no rushing that. Have to sit with it – for who knows how long. Experience tells me I tend to stir the pot and get into mischief, often without considering the consequences. Sheer orneriness or some darn synapse?
When I take my time and listen to that still quiet voice, the ideas that come are helpful. This knowing generally consists of small; one-degree turns in a healthy, positive direction. Wisdom is following these next right steps – wherever they may lead.
“To experience more synchronicity and ‘coincidences’ we need to listen and be aware of the world around us and also our intuition.
That’s how the universe speaks to itself, it’s an ongoing flow of information that comes from both the outside and from within.
Pay attention to how the universe speaks to you today and participate in the flow by being attentive and by listening to your inner voice.”
A cardinal sat on my deck railing pecking at the feed my husband put out. Stopping to watch felt like a meditation – relaxing and peaceful. Looking out further were more birds, the lake and the wind blowing bare tree limbs. This is the staff of life. This moment.
Each day I get up and do the deal; walk the dogs, pay the bills; figure out what’s for dinner. Trudge through January to arrive at February – and dream of spring flowers. Repetitive, everyday life.
A post on my social media this morning reminded me that I can make daily, persistent tasks a prayer or a trial.
One of my favorite cartoonists, Harry Bliss recently posted:
“These days, many of us feel anxiety and gloom when we look around or read the news. This is natural and understandable, but at the same time it’s important to find ways to cultivate optimism. As it says in an aspiration that I recite often, “in relating to the future of humanity, I will be optimistic and courageous.”
Without having some sense of optimism, it’s easy to fall into some passive or defeatist attitude. Why try to do anything to improve the future if it’s hopeless anyway?
But according to the teachings on karma, the future is unwritten. What we do now does matter, not just to ourselves but to everyone who is part of this interconnection that we call Mother Earth. Even smiling at someone once can have tremendous ripple effect that goes out and out- who knows how far?
If this is the case, then think of how much we can affect the world by enthusiastically training in opening our hearts and minds, day after day.”
Our biology and the environment we grow up in impacts us tremendously, influencing how we meet the world. It’s daunting to absorb the hurdles of the many, and the privilege afforded only a few. I don’t want to close my eyes to this disparity, as I suffer and profit from both. I’m grateful for whatever neurological synapses, neighborhoods and associations providence graciously bestowed me. Somehow an ingrained thirst for knowledge, weird sense of curiosity – flat-out doggedness goads me into considering that Pema Chodron is onto something.
So today I sit at my desk, and I consider what small ways I can affect the world and practice making chores a peace offering.
“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”
Some lessons come out of the blue. Yes, I’m on a sincere quest to know myself – but damn! Those revelations that catch me sideways are booger-bears.
While I’m familiar with the “Aha!” of sudden insight, a recent and unexpected epiphany threw me.
Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart explores the language of experience. She helps us define meaning and gain understanding from emotions. In the chapter on “Places We Go When It’s Beyond Us” her insights helped me appreciate that surprising and confusing Eureka moment.
“I need time for my confusion.” Confusion can be a cue that there’s new territory to be explored or a fresh puzzle to be solved.”
She continues saying “.. confusion like many uncomfortable things in life, is vital for learning. According to research, confusion has the potential to motivate, lead to deep learning, and trigger problem solving.”
With my area of focus the past six months crystalizing, I found that I’d hunkered down in my story. When I was presented with some sound logic revealing a persistent blind-spot I was dumbfounded.
Had to sit with that discomfort for a little minute.
However, it led me to move into another emotion Ms. Brown groups with confusion – curiosity.
Many of my recent discoveries are sound, and I’m pointed in the right direction. But the nuance I found by removing this barrier revealed a treasure trove to explore.
Now, I can’t cop to being comfortable sitting in confusion; but curiosity motivates me.
I KNOW – that I don’t know what I don’t know. I have decades of willingness to be uncomfortable and risk being wrong under my belt. And still, I have blind spots.
“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn’t be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort.”
